Sleepwalking my way through life: This devils workday

This devils workday

The evening was slow, and I languidly clicked from page to page in an attempt to find something. Jules stepped into the room, floating about aimlessly before falling back into the couch opposite me. She picked up a magazine from the coffee table between us – some how to spice up you sex in three days gig – and leafed through it lazily.

‘So how have you been spending these unprofitable hours?’ She asked me, her eyes not rising from the glossy pages.

‘Talking with Elisabeth on writing things,’ I replied. ‘We had a long one sided discussion about vengeance.’

She laughed slightly. ‘How'd that one go?’

‘She failed to understand the beautiful power behind it.’

‘I’m afraid I'll have to agree with her.’ She turned a page.

I sighed ‘I won't try to convince you to my side of it then.’

She tossed the magazine on to the table, leaning forward to look at me more directly.

‘No no, go on. It will amuse me.’

I smirked at her and placed my Lapdancer to the side. I had a challenge upon me. ‘Okay, since you asked for it.’

I paused for a moment, gathering my thoughts.

‘The thing with vengeance is that it's so... good. It holds an entire spectrum of emotion under one very focused canopy. Love, hate, joy, sorrow, animalistic rage, human calculation; it’s such a contradiction of feelings and emotions.’ I counted each point off with my fingers as if listing the number of things I needed for food shopping. ‘It results in murder, but the murder is insanely cold and calculated yet filled with insurmountable passion.’

‘It doesn't have to be cold and calculated though; it can easily be done in a blind fury.’

‘True, but if it’s done right then it’s cold and calculated. And if you want the perfect vengeance, you have to do it just right. You have to wait and wait and let your rage and anger cool off until it resembles a cold shining knife. That’s when you strike and achieve your perfect revenge.’

Jules shifted in her chair, her eyes focused on the table in deep thought. ‘So… vengeance is a good thing,’ she looked up at me, ‘for everyone involved?’

I smiled broadly. ‘Of course not, vengeance is horrible. The whole idea of vengeance is pointless.’

‘Ah, but now you’re contradicting yourself. You just started off with vengeance is good.’

‘I did, and I stand by it. Though, what I’m trying to say is that the emotion, and the act of vengeance itself is intense and amazing, but vengeance is not good for anyone. The reason you even took the vengeance in the first place isn’t going to change – whatever spurned you into abandoning everything else for this goal is not going to fix itself.’

I raised my arm and moved my fingers into a gun position, my forefinger and middle finger acting as the barrel and my thumb mimicking the hammer. With my left hand I loaded six imaginary bullets into the chamber of my gun before snapping the chamber closed with a quick motion. I aimed my fingers straight at Jules who laughed with amusement.

‘You kill the guy,’ I say, and fire off a three bullets into Jules’ shoulder, neck and gut, ‘and he’s dead. And then what?’ I flipped out the chamber and reloaded the three shots I fired. ‘You’re left with all this hatred and sorrow inside you, with no one to aim at.’

Jules nods along slowly, looking me up and down. ‘Okay, so it’s the passion behind it that you’re satisfied by, not the act itself.’

‘Yes and no.’ I reply. Jules groaned and I smiled again. ‘Yes because the passion is indescribable, and no because I am still deeply fascinated in the act. I’m fascinated at what makes a fair vengeance, what is better; a ruined life or a horrible death? I’m fascinated at how, even after you take your vengeance, you aren’t satisfied. You shed all your humanity to wreak your vengeance and the feelings are still there – pumping through your body like an untameable snake.’

‘That's interesting, even though it may appear to be the best most satisfying idea at the time; it turns out to be hollow.’

‘Yes. Exactly.’

‘That's actually really interesting.’

‘It's become a little obsession of mine.’

'So it's not so much the act itself, but the expression I’m finding interesting. It's such a basic instinct, an eye for an eye, a death for a death, but ultimately dissatisfying. So what does that say? Is the animalistic side of mankind ultimately disappointing? Or is it just man's struggle to appear civilised, better than animals?’ She laughed suddenly, sitting back into the cushion of the couch. ‘See Joe, don't get me started, I'll bore you to death with it.’

‘Don’t worry; I’ll get my own back eventually.’

I wonder what I would do if I found myself in that situation; to have my perfect revenge on someone who has wronged me so intensely. I have often had daydreams about it, little fantasies that invade my thoughts and leave me with my heart thumping and my tongue crooning for blood. Would I fulfil these fantasies? Would I look into his eyes with stern determination before bringing a clenched fist down on his greasy face? Would I smile my most genuine condescending smile and make her feel like nothing more than a piece of shit on the bottom of my shoe? Would I put her to shame with cutting remarks and the quickest of tongues? Would I smile as sweetly as possible, shaking his hand before sinking my knee into his solar plexus? Or would I do the most hateful thing I can do and forget all about you – your name, your face, your phone number, your post code, your everything.

Would I? Could I?

Eye for an eye, watch me go blind.
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At 4:29 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You've only got two eyes. You go blind very quickly.

At 5:49 am, Anonymous Jules said...

That magazine changed my life!


V is for futile.

At 6:54 pm, Blogger Elisabeth Ice Cream said...

I dont even remember that?!?!!!! Oh wait.. no... I don't remember but who cares? **sings: I was mentioned!**

ps: really good post btw.


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