Sleepwalking my way through life: Hooray for masochism



Hooray for masochism

I hate these moments the most. When the eyes dilate and the heart begins it’s rapid assault to pound you to the ground. The moisture that filled the mouth and loosened the tongue – the tongue that licked grinning, malicious lips – is gone, leaving the small taste of nothing. The stomach drops, and drops, and drops and the insides of the throat feel like a bungee cord at its peak. The hairs on the arms stand and sway and the sounds around are dulled by the vacuum. The gaze you once had fixated wanders and fades and blurs and melds into colours that sparkle with mediocrity. There is a blob. Something is moving.

You stupid fuck.

The blob, swinging in and out of focus, looks offended. But you weren’t talking to it.

You sit back and fall for an eternity into your chair. The leather envelopes and folds and you sink and sink and drown in all the open air. Gravity pins the arms and legs in an unmoving hell. The room spins and the head lolls on to the chest. All is lost. End everything now. Now.

And it stops.

The room swings back into focus, the sounds return to their sharp acuity, and your limbs feel like your own again. The blob is a person, a person with an angry look and darting eyes. Your mouth creaks into a smile and you shake it off, like you always do. You smile and shake and go upstairs and let your hand quiver when you force it through the wall, when you plunge scissors into it.

You goddamn stupid fuck.

I hate these moments, these points of weakness that hold your guts and heart hostage to ravenous animals. I hate the way they sneak up on you, I hate the way they come and go so suddenly and violently, I hate they way the disappear in moments leaving a wake of madness. I hate the way it knows exactly where to hit – the exact weak point in the armour that has taken years to build. I hate when the animal digs its claws into my insides and tears at them with hungry delight.

Sometimes I can’t help but feel disgusted with myself.
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1 Comments:

At 6:28 pm, Anonymous Kiwiqueen said...

:(

Can't say I 100% understood that, but I probably wasn't supposed to anyway. :( anyway.

Smile? x

 

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