Sleepwalking my way through life: Happy Feet would've been better...

Happy Feet would've been better...

A couple sidled in a few rows in front of us. I could see by the light that they were the poster couple for MySpace – the hair, the clothes, hell, even the stance was posed.

“Now these two are fun.” I told her. “They’ve been going out for two weeks and are already hopelessly in love. They’ve had unprotected sex together – numerous times – just to spite their parents who just don’t understand the epic love they feel for each other. Through so much adversary and advice they stick together, because no one has ever felt a love like this before. Meanwhile, he is becoming more and more attractive to her best friend and she’s feeling stronger and stronger lesbian urges. It’ll eventually end up three months down the line with him sobbingly confessing to having slept with the best friend and the girl running off to sleep with the same best friend who turns out to be a lesbian – because they all are.”


“I know. Someone should write a book on it.”

“So where are they now?”

“I’m guessing the end of month one. You can tell that the reason they’re here is the same reason we’re here. They want some…” I smiled, “privacy.”

The cinema darkened slightly and the projector whirred into life to tell us that we still had enough time to grab a snack. This event should cue the start of the adverts and usher the audience into a revered silence in preparation for the film – but not this time. I sank down in the chair as I listened to the prepubescent audience incessantly chat over the background tracks. There was the sound of childish laughter and “Pervert!” was uttered from somewhere in a mock scream.

The couple a few rows in front stood up and left, a clear look of disappointment and annoyance on their faces.

Jane and I had wanted some private time together – in the dark – and we made the ill choice of going to see The Holiday, which we hoped would be sufficiently empty for some antics yet was filled to the brim with screaming fourteen year olds. It started in with a small group joining us in the back row and bloomed into literally hundreds of them; spreading round the cinema like a plague. They were all there, and I knew every single one of them.

Not literally. I hadn’t gone up to them and learned each and every one of their names, I just knew them all.

There was the leader of the group; the loudest of the already deafening group who looked up and down the row eagerly trying to reassure themselves of their popularity by tuning in to every person who clamoured for their attention.

The first sub-group; gathered around the leader in a self superior group. They talk amongst themselves, deliberately leaving out other members of the group – but when addressed they turn slowly and smugly talk to others.

The second sub-group; pushed nearer the edges of the row and huddled in their own little clique as they plot the eventual demise of the first group and conspire to elect their own leader – who happens to be the current leader’s best friend and is currently in second command. They furtively glance at other members of the group, scouring them over with hatred whilst smiling sweetly to their faces.

And there are the neutrals; who sit sporadically around the row, chatting with anyone who happens to sit beside them. Everybody likes them – but no one too much – and they can easily mingle with any member of the group. They could very very easily form a third sub-group and redirect the current system of power. That is, if they ever felt the need to.

“How do you know all that?” Jane asked, bemused at my knowledge of the screaming children all around us.

“I was one of them, back in my glory days. I know it all.”


“Yeah. Though, there is one thing missing…”

A darkened figure had stepped up to the group. “Hiya sunshine! Sorry I’m late, I had a bit of trouble convincing this bad boy to come. No, not in that way sweetie, I don’t need to convince him to come that way!”

I smiled. “The token gay guy.”
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