Sleepwalking my way through life: Only two weeks shy



Only two weeks shy

Check out my newest story; Yearning.

There is something noticeably hollow in my chest, as if my throat descends deep into an endless chasm, void of anything. The wind stirs my hair and blows the drizzle into my face as I readjusted my bag on my shoulder, waiting. The taxi was late, and I was forced to stand on the dark corner with my hands in my pockets and nothing to do but wait. I look at my watch, but put it back into my pocket without reading the time; it is broken anyway, the time frozen at a quarter to midnight. I keep looking at it anyway, even though I know that no time has passed.

I check my phone for the time and, just in case, any messages; and it hits me. Why am I waiting for this taxi? Do I have to be somewhere? Yes, I have to rush home and… Spend an extra half hour online. Is that it? I shiver in my jacket, but not at the cold. The thought of spending future Friday and Saturday nights in front of my computer literally horrified me. I need some new hobbies.

Ten minutes pass and I call up the taxi firm – interrupting the girl who answered – to cancel the taxi before I set off in a stride towards home. My mind works furiously, devising plans and strategies. The bottomless pit in my gut grew deeper when the cold realisation washed over me once more. I was single, I had to become used to that. Over the past few days I had felt less and less grief, even to a point where I felt guilty about how little sadness I was feeling. Coming to terms with things? Maybe. But then again there were the sickening realisations I have from time to time. I walk into my room and feel hopeless when I see my bed; she will never sleep there again, I think. There was a flicker of sadness when I thought that I should really clean my room, but for whom?

The rain comes down heavier and thuds against my hood. I quicken my pace and hold back the urge to start running. I know that if I run I’ll trip and fall and hurt myself, I just need to take my time and walk. My mind is running though, it runs back and forth with images of smiling faces and raised glasses. Double dates and blind dates and movie nights and relationship advice and just being fucking happy again flick round and round in my mind like a merry-go-round. It’s all there, all the friendship and possibility is all before me. I just need to get past all these feelings.

I am not going to deny it, it hurts. It really does. But I will claw my way past all these feelings I am having and return to as close as normal as I can reach. I am already doing well. I can smile, and mean it. I can laugh a solid and genuine laugh when I find something funny. And I can smile when my world insists to crumble. That has to count for something.

I reach home, and take off my jacket to be comforted by the warmth. I smile at the food waiting for me in the oven and the smell of it wafting over to me. I kick off my shoes and sit down to become absorbed in my writing as I think of an even better phrase to use. I don't notice it at the time, but the chasm inside became a little less bottomless.

I will be alright. I know I will.
« Home | Next »
| Next »
| Next »
| Next »
| Next »
| Next »
| Next »
| Next »
| Next »
| Next »

2 Comments:

At 4:14 pm, Anonymous Gary said...

You will survive..

as long as you have wheatbix

 
At 3:44 pm, Anonymous Jeanie said...

Wow. I feel exactly like you. I can smile and laugh and act like nothing is wrong but when I see certain things and hear certain music tears start to well up in my eyes. I have had to put everything that reminded me of him in a box and hide in under my bed. I am sure that eventually we both will survive, we'll move on and find someone else that makes us happy and loved, but for now I can't picture it. And honestly its ok. I am not to that point yet.

If you'll be here for me, I'll be here for you. I know what your going through and maybe we can give each other advice to get us through. Because this isn't easy.

 

Post a Comment