Sleepwalking my way through life: And the bastard world kept on turning



And the bastard world kept on turning

Everything around me was incredibly solid. I could see them and feel them with their perfect coherence and blatant existence. There were hundreds of colours in my room, from the light filtering through the curtains to the row of books on my chest of drawers. Even the walls that surrounded me were undeniably yellow. There were birds singing outside and my brother was laughing somewhere downstairs.

The night before, I had dared the world to end. I had dared it to open up and swallow itself whole, to explode into a magnificent firestorm, to rumble and roar and crack into uncountable pieces; I wanted it to do something to acknowledge how I was feeling inside. But it stood there, as stoic as ever, while I writhed between my bed sheets and tore at nothingness. Against all probability and against all logic, I felt like I was dying.

And I woke up. My bed was still there, the cold carpet was still underfoot, the refreshing glass of water was still resting calmly on my bedside table; the world had survived. I looked up and down my body; I was still here. I smiled to myself at my achievement and gazed about the room, looking at each item with a strange bewilderment that they were still there.

The world turned unemotionally and without prejudice. It refused to stop and relent to my wishes, no matter what I was feeling; it continued on in determined ignorance.

There is a lesson to be learned from that.
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3 Comments:

At 4:18 am, Anonymous Meredith said...

There's a really good song by The Weepies that I think you'd enjoy right about now, called "World Spins Madly On." it's got a very mellow, striking sound, and this post reminded me strongly of it.

My only advice is that when things get to an unbearable level, think of puppies frolicking in a field. It sounds stupid, but it's not.

 
At 6:04 am, Anonymous Natalie said...

My friend sent me this a few weeks ago and I found a lot of solace in it.

"...I want to beg you, as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms or books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek now the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them now. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some day into the answer. Resolve to be always beginning -- to be a beginner!" -Rilke

 
At 3:40 pm, Anonymous Jeanie said...

Thank you for your comment.

I wish the world would show what I am feeling all the time. That way I wouldn't feel so alone in my feels. That maybe people would understand me more.

 

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