Sleepwalking my way through life: What if?

What if?

“It’s over,” she told me factually, her breath laden with drink, “he doesn’t want me anymore.”

“You never know,” I soothed, “you guys could get back together. Things have a way of working out.”

“No!” She slurred, spilling her drink. “He doesn’t want me, he comes on to me, but he doesn’t like me.” She fell to the ground, almost sobbing in self pity. I felt sorry for her and lifted her up to a seat where she sat hunched over, coming up occasionally to down another litre of Vodka.

Her and her boyfriend had broken up. They had started going out at the same time that me and Marie did and – scarily enough – broke up round about the same time too. She had been chasing him for about a year previous to it, and finally caught him. Now he has broken loose and she is at a loss of what to do. Except drown her sorrows with the Russians.

“I’ll never find anyone again. I was lucky to have him.” She rambled on, hardly making sense.

I looked at her and smiled before going down to her level.

“You will find someone. You’re a nice, funny… mostly sober girl. You can find another guy.” She didn’t reply, so I pulled out the big guns. “Look… I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, but do you remember when we first really met? I liked you then.”

“What?” She asked, looking at me in an incredibly sober way.

“When we went to Muffin Break and had coffee? Yeah, I liked you back then.”

“Don’t say that.” She said, looking at the floor as if she was going to be ill.

“Sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable or anything,” I replied, standing up “but it’s true. And so you can get other guys to like you-”

“You bastard.” She said to me, still looking flatly at the ground.


“I liked you too you, you bastard.”

“Wait a second… What?”

“Yeah, I thought that you were this really funny and sweet guy! And you were attractive and available and I FUCKING LIKED YOU!” she said while wildly gesticulating, throwing her vodka everywhere.

“But-but-but… I thought you were hung up on Ross! You kept telling me how much you liked him! That’s why I didn’t say anything!”

“I can’t believe this! You bastard, you should’ve told me. I told Nikki that I liked you! Argh!” she downed another gulp or two, finishing the bottle and tossing it aside.

A lot of what ifs ran through my head at that point. What if I had told her, and she had told me? What if I had asked her out, what if we went out? Will things be the same now? Would I have the same lifestyle, the same experiences? Would I be the same person?


“Look at it this way,” I said to her, looking to the sky in thought, “if we went out with each other, then you wouldn’t have gone out with Ross and I wouldn’t have gone out with Marie. And even though both of our adventures turned sour, we will never forget the experiences that we had with them.”

There was no reply from her; she was probably in a deep, drunken thought.

“I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”

There was still no reply, so I looked down to where she was sitting. She had fallen off her chair and was fast asleep in a puddle of Vodka, murmuring “bastard” under her breath. I smiled and draped a jacket over her so she could stay warm.

I walked home with some new thoughts swirling in my head. What ifs are always fun.
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At 7:41 pm, Anonymous Elisabeth Ice Cream said...

That was a wonderful post. But do you fancy eachother still, or just friends? Does she remember the evening even if the vodka was floating?

At 10:37 pm, Anonymous Joe said...

We're just friends now. I haven't spoken to her in a month or two, and we've both changed a lot since we first met.

And I don't know if she remembered it. She was pretty wasted and she did disappear offline pretty quickly. I'll ask next time round.... ;P


At 11:39 pm, Anonymous Marie said...

I'm starting to think Love hurts way too much. It seems to end in a lot of pain...Maybe I'm just being pessimistic.

Nice post though.

At 12:40 am, Anonymous copyright said...

This post and yesterday's compounds my belief that growing up is really weird.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

At 10:11 am, Anonymous Joe said...

A pessimistic post laden with hidden meaning.

Hmm. No comment.


At 11:48 am, Anonymous Elisabeth Ice Cream said...

I just adore your blog, Joe, it's so--- fab!!! Im considering becoming your stalker.

At 5:25 pm, Anonymous Kiwiqueen said...

You already are :-P

At 6:51 pm, Anonymous Elisabeth Ice Cream said...

*hirr hirr*

At 10:44 pm, Anonymous Joe said...

It's ok Joe, it's ok. Just don't. freak. out.


At 7:33 am, Anonymous Kiwiqueen said...

Talking to yourself, Joe? First sign of madness, surely you know? I suppose it's not quite as bad as me talking to my monobrow...*contemplates stray eyebrow hairs*


At 9:20 am, Anonymous Elisabeth Ice Cream said...

Hey, I just kidding here, I'm not going to be stupid or anything. Don't freak out.

At 7:38 am, Anonymous Joe said...

I was only kidding too!

*phones police*


At 5:48 pm, Anonymous x said...

can I join in? -grins- i promise i wun bite

At 8:52 pm, Anonymous eddmun said...

I hate it when things like this happen.

It sucks.

At 8:57 pm, Anonymous Joe said...

Tell me about it.



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