Sleepwalking my way through life: Guy talk

Guy talk

"Lesbians annoy me. Stealing all the women and leaving none for the men. You know for every lesbian there are two more single men?"

I almost choked on my Pot Noodle in alarm, Fletch sat on the couch opposite, his legs stretched out and hands behind his head as he gazed thoughtfully at the ceiling.

I swallowed my mouthful and looked at him. "That is, without a doubt, the gayest thing you have ever said to me."

He glanced at me with a flicker of annoyance passing over his face. "You know what I mean. It's all cool in porn, but real lesbians don't let you watch." He said with an unhappy face.

"Oh," I said, putting my finished noodles on the table, "you mean REAL lesbians." He nodded and I sat back in my chair, looking at the ceiling as he did. "No, they don't exist. Lesbians only exist because they haven't met me yet."

Fletch laughed and sat up straight, "No, you've got it the wrong way round. Lesbians exist because they HAVE met you."

I narrowed my eyes and looked at him, "That was cold."

"Don't you think though," he continued, "that being a porn star would actually kick ass? I mean, you're getting paid to have sex. Well, it's good as long as you don't have to do any freaky shit. Freaky being midgets by the way."

"True." I replied.

"Or men who are now 'women'."

"Very true."

"Stuff involving faeces..."

"Ok, you can stop right there you know.

"But normal porn would be good." He said, smiling finally. "Like threesomes and stuff. I'd be glad to do that. I'd just have to spend half my pay on Viagra and steroids."

"You have no idea how bad this conversation is turning."

"Of course, only guy girl girl. Not the other kind of threesome."

"Here it comes..."

"Do you know what the worst kind of threesome is? Guy guy guy guy guy. It's so bad it isn't even a threesome!"

"There we are!" I say, standing up. "Not only do I smell of Chow Mien noodles and that I'm late for work, but I also have a beautiful image of a gay orgy. You really are something Fletch." I pulled on my jacket and slipped my feet into my shoes. "But you know what the very best type of porn is, don't you?"

He looked at me from over his glasses, knowing what I was about to say.

"Girl girl girl girl girl," I continued, "and big ol' me in the middle."

"-me in the middle." He said, finishing just after I did.

I laughed at him, opening the door and preparing to go out. "I got it out first." I said with a triumphant smile.

"Exactly!" He shouted, glancing at my crotch.

I paused for a moment, looking at him straight in his spectacled eyes.

"I walked right into that one didn't I?"
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At 5:23 pm, Anonymous Elisabeth Ice Cream said...

I am actually sitting on the floor, trying to stretch my arms up to the keyboard withouth typing a W?%"R/\:O^N*'G word without laughing.

You write so wonderful, I haven't got the words.

- Elisabeth

At 5:26 pm, Anonymous Elisabeth Ice Cream said...

You see, all wrong. Your fault for making me laugh so hard, Joe.

At 5:31 pm, Anonymous Jules said...

I really don't have enough brain matter to come up with an adequate reply for that entry. But yes, very well-written.

That's all.


At 8:42 pm, Anonymous eddmun said...

Soooooo wrong with the gay porn.

At 11:14 pm, Anonymous Kiwiqueen said...

Hmmmm. Don't knock it till you've tried it, is my brilliant theory. I don't know whether this can be extended to include gay orgies/porn. Maybe.

Not that I would.

*knocks it*

Now I know what you guys all talk about. Maybe that's why I was born a girl.

At 12:08 am, Anonymous Elyse said...

Guys. You make me laugh.

The sad thing is, when you're a girl considered "one of the guys" you hear way to much of that sort of crap.

On the plus side, you get to gross them out equally.

You amuse me, Joe.

At 6:40 am, Anonymous eddmun said...

That is true - there are often things girls come up with that are too wrong and gross-out.

At 6:47 am, Anonymous Chasen Le Hara said...

Indeed, this is an incredibly well written post; great job Joe. Not only is the conversational style really, really fitting, but it's entertaining; I bet most guys can relate to it as well.

At 3:07 pm, Anonymous Marie said...

*watches Joe's ego swell at all the compliments*


At 4:50 pm, Anonymous eddmun said...

*pricks with needle*

At 2:14 pm, Anonymous Joe said...

I'm going to go right ahead and answer all your wonderful comments...

Right after I eat a couple hundred Humble Pie's.


At 4:20 pm, Anonymous Marie said...

Lol. xxxxx

Or rhubabarb pies??

At 4:29 pm, Anonymous Joe said...

That too. :)


At 5:09 pm, Anonymous Elisabeth Ice Cream said...

Don't forget us then;)

At 12:05 pm, Anonymous Gary said...

Joe is my friend in real life....SO THERE.

My blogs tons better...when I post...its not really

Read like the last 10 posts joe, theyre getting better.

At 1:04 pm, Anonymous Marie said...

Gary you should link us, put ur url in the website box...i'd like to read it.

At 4:30 pm, Anonymous Elisabeth Ice Cream said...

hear hear!

At 11:18 pm, Anonymous Kiwiqueen said...

Oh yes!! Random Shapes, here I come!


At 1:21 pm, Anonymous Elisabeth Ice Cream said...

Yay Kiwi!!! *sends cyper Willy Wonka*

At 3:56 am, Anonymous Fletch said...


I'm a fucking lunatic, I totally forgot about this conversation. I cant believe I said some of that stuff, I stick by it too. The worst kind of threesome: guy guy guy guy guy, its not even a threesome!

Sweet Jesus.
Best thing is this actually took place.


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