Sleepwalking my way through life: March 2006



Woo

Friday, March 31, 2006
Hooray for a lack of time and a total lack of motivation.

A an amazing night followed by a shit hole of a day. Yay for graphics.

Stay tuned.

And your hair is SO much better.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006
"I like your hair!" she shouted at me with a toothy smile that brought beautifully crafted sarcasm. She was referring to the fluffy thing that resided on my head as a result of the rain.

"And I like that huge gap in your teeth, now get the fuck out of my way." I was in no mood for anything, not even a random tween who decided to try and bring some light to my day. Yes, because it's fun to trapese around the town centre in tiaras and talking to strangers!

I had went to pick up my kilt at one but they hadn't received all of the accessories yet, so I had to come back in half an hour. Half an hour later they told me to come back in half an hour.

So I decided to pass the time by walking through the town centre, where I encountered the wondrous hair critic. I also waved to a friend who didn't see me, walked into a friend who I didn't see and got hounded by some kids outside of the off-license.

"Hey man, can ya get me ma carry oot?" he asked, holding his cigarette to the side and blowing smoke in my face. He was with three other people, a guy whose hair was blindingly shiny, and two girls, one of which wearing a tube-top where her assets threatened to poke out on either end.

"Sorry, I can't." I said, walking on.

"C'mon! We can give you a bit if you want."

"No thanks." I replied, walking faster. He started to come after me.

"Why not?! You're fucking old enough!"

I turned round, "I don't have my fucking ID with me."

He stopped and looked at me as I glared back at him. "Ok."

I picked up my kilt outfit and dragged it home in the rain. I kept having to switch hands as I was walking, it was bloody heavy. But it's worth it, it looks really amazing and I look so much older in it.

Prom, here I come.

Pointless

Monday, March 27, 2006
Took a walk today.

I have the day off school tomorrow due to the wonders of strikes of the cleaning ladies. Meaning that my half-day of essay writing and studying gets turned into a whole day. I can also pick up my kilt and outfit with relative ease, and try them on while doing said homework.

Not too long after dinner Mum came in to the living room and announced that she was going on a walk. Since I had no major urge to do any homework, and since I have a whole day tomorrow to do the homework in, I decided to join her. We walked around the Heritage Loch that's near our house, just talking in the refreshingly cool air that was laden with misty rain. It was nice and it gave me time to think. I'm going to go back in summer sometime, when it's nice and warm.

What if my brain gets pregnant?

I should really be writing the second half of my reflective essay, but I really cannot be fucked.

I want to tell you about my day, or my weekend, but I feel as though my writing is going to slip into fucked up thinking mode where no one understands what I'm saying, bar me. Which is never fun.

I was going to say that my weekend was different, but it wasn't. I saw Marie all day Saturday where we ate the most delicious fajitas and ate the most disgusting pop-corn. I had had my haircut earlier that day, and the straightening serum (Yes, I got my hair straightened) stank to high heavens, meaning that for a good part of the day Marie refused to sit near me. And the same old mind-fucking happened all over again.

Class is about to start, so I'd better go and make up the answers to some English questions.

I miss Mr Ramsay

Friday, March 24, 2006
Friday post once again.

Becca is here in the library with me, dogging class so she can have an extra hour to do homework and to impress her tutor (Who is also in the library). We are accompanied by a host of wonderful first years, chattering away with their deep and insightful discussions of whether the picture is of a huskie or a wolf, despite the book being called Wolves. Me and Becca, on the other hand, are talking very loudly about emos and penis sizes ("It's like this!" Becca exclaims, holding her arms really far apart). We'll never reach the deep and insightful level that the first years seem to have achieved.

Today has been different. I talked to Laura about pressing issues such as school work, university, up-and-coming prom, friends, the whole Marie affair and so on and so forth until we fell silent and forced ourselves to face the huge amount of Graphics work we still had to do.

If you can't tell, I'm writing really stylised to impress Becca.

I don't think it's working though...

I'm heading into Glasgow tomorrow to have a nice little haircut. I'm long overdue for one, my last haircut being somewhere in the vicinity of December, and I'm just wondering if I should get it cut a different way, or if I should keep it trimmed and thinned. Becca is saying yes to the latter, but I'm not too sure. I could get it dyed a nice shade of red. But then Marie would never speak to me again.

After my haircut I'm hopping on a train and heading to Marie's house for an afternoon of film-watching and pigging out on sweets. It should be a good laugh, and her sister is picking me up from the train station so I don't have to walk for half an hour to her house, so it should be fun all round.

I'm looking at the world with different eyes today. It's strange. It's like I've woken up from a weird trance and I've started to notice things that I've never noticed before. That's what I meant by waking up in my last post, it's like I'm not sleepwalking anymore.

Hmm. It's an interesting development.

So, I'm not sleepwalking anymore?

Thursday, March 23, 2006
Holy shit.

I think I've woken up.

Grabbing the wheel

Just came back from my interview.

It took me about twenty minutes to get there, the distance not being as long as I thought. There was a growing feeling of nervousness in my stomach as I drew closer to the Holiday Inn, imagining the flood of people inside that I would have to contend with. Imagine my surprise when the foyer was practically empty.

I sat down and filled out some health forms at the little desk that was in the waiting room. Some simple questions (Though I did stumble at what my weight was) and I handed them back to the girl in front of me.

"That's great Joseph... Or is it Joe?" She asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ears.

"Joe." I said, "Where do I go now?"

She looked at the form in front of her, a frown flicking across her face before she looked back at me with a nervous smile. "It says that your appointment is at half past two."

"But, they told me that it was at half one!"

"They must have mixed it up then." She said, showing me the form to confirm the time. "Looks like you've got another hour and a half to go. Oh, that's a long time to wait..."

"Don't worry about it," I said, "I've got books that I can read."

She flashed another pretty smile at me and packed away all the forms and folders. I stood up and sat on one of the chairs at the wall. After sinking almost three feet into the chair I got out my special green biro, my copy of The Crucible and started reading (After seven months of studying it, I still haven't read it). However, I wasn't reading for long.

Sarah, the girl who took my forms, came over and sat across from me. There wasn't anything better for her to do, so she started talking to me about school. We talked for about half an hour about school and subjects and careers, it was fun. Another girl came along and told me that they could see me early, which was good enough for me. So I put the book back in my bag and the pen in my jacket pocket before heading for the door.

"Just leave your bag and jacket in here, you won't need them in there."

"Alright," I said, laying my jacket over the back of the bottomless chair, "But if anything's missing, I'm looking for you."

"I might just steal something then." She replied with a quirky smile as I left the room.

The interview was great. I felt really confident as I answered the questions, and it looks like I got really positive feedback. They even asked me random questions as conversation aside from the questions. I really hope that I've gotten this job.

I came out of the interview room with a smile on my face and walked back into the foyer. My bag and jacket were as they were over my chair, and I picked them up and slung my bag over my shoulder.

"How'd the interview go?" The other girl asked from behind her desk. I couldn't see Sarah anywhere.

"Not bad. I'm pretty confident though."

"Do you want any coffee or tea?" She asked, indicating the kettle full of freshly boiled water.

"Nah, I really need to get going now. Thanks for all your help."

"Don't worry about it. Good luck!"

I walked out into the cold sunny air with a smile on my face. I was pretty convinced that I had done the best I could, and I could look forward to a nice afternoon of relaxation in front of the old telly-box.

I put my hand in my pocket to turn on my CD player, but found that there was something else there. I pulled out a sheet of folded paper that was hidden in the recess of my pocket and stopped to read it. There, scribbled in green pen, was a mobile phone number and;

"If you ever want your pen back, you'd better call. - Sarah"

I looked back at the Holiday Inn wondering what would happen if I called her. Or if I went back in and had that cup of coffee. I smiled.

I crumpled the note before throwing it into the first bin I saw and smiled as I walked home. I didn't really like that pen anyway.

And I really like Nintendo...

For some reason I feel like I'm covered in bruises. It's confusing seeing how I haven't actually been hit in a while.

Wow, that makes me sound like I've been hit a lot in the past. Well, not a lot...

My job interview is today, hence the not being at school. I'm getting kinda nervous about it. Gary has given me all the questions that they'll ask me, so I can be prepared with all my LIES.

A barrel of laughs awaits me.

I'll hopefully get this job, meaning I can finally get on my way to working back the two thousand quid I've spent since summer. Plus, it'll give me a good excuse to miss homework. And I really really want to be able to buy things without feeling guilty.

On a more interesting note, things with Marie are... weird. Ok, maybe that isn't more interesting, but it's something that's weighing down on my mind. Things are getting messed up and confusing. I saw her on Tuesday where we half-watched Empire Records and spent the rest of the time talking and discussing how my mums car was stolen (Yeah, it was a fun day). Things that were said and talked have got me thinking about certain things.

Stay tuned folks, I'll be bound to explain all this sooner or later.

Isn't all this a nice change from the depressing emo crap that I usually spout? I heard the most amazing emo song yesterday, one that basically ripped the utter shit out of eskimos everywhere. And the thing is, half of the songs lyrics applied to ME.

It's a really weird feeling to realise that I'm not nearly as original as I once thought. I mean, the song even mentioned my fascination with Nintendo! Scary.

I would go on more to discuss possible lifestyle changes for myself, but I realise that I am drastically behind in my schedule for getting ready for this damned interview.

Oh, and on a quick note, Gary royally humped my ass at the bowling on Saturday. I cried.

Trust me, cake helps

Monday, March 20, 2006
And so here we are again. Me sitting at the computer, raging at something I've just read and just about to rant my night away.

Except this time I have cake.

I would just like to leave a message to all the people who frequent my blog. A small and simple message that applies to a chunk of you, but not all.

If you don't like my blog, then don't read it.

It's really that simple. If you don't like what you read here, then don't read it. Am I asking you to come on here? No. Am I pressing your nose against the screen in a desperate attempt to get you to read? No. You, dear readers, have a choice.

So, please, choose to go fuck yourself.

It's one thing to come on here and flame me, but it's another to come and flame people you do not know and have no connection to you. I don't care who you are, where you are from or how you know me, just go away. You have no right to come on HERE shout at other people, do that somewhere else.

Please leave. I don't want people who hide behind this nice little cloak of anonymity just to make themselves feel big. I find this funny actually, that people come on this just to try and make some one feel bad. Seriously, I am laughing as I type this. As the old saying goes; Sticks and stones may break my bones but words are just plain pathetic.

If you have a problem with me, then email me. My address is CLEARLY marked in the links section, click it and tell me what you think of me.

If this continues then I will take away anonymous comments. Maybe even the comments all together.

Hence be warned.

The pins fear me.

Friday, March 17, 2006
Another Friday update.

This week has been better than expected, although to be honest I cannot remember Monday for the life of me. We did creative writing in English, and talked about due dates... But the rest has left me.

On Tuesday I had Marie round at my house. We sat and watched Garden State before talking for hours on end. It was great and I didn't want it to end, but unfortunately it always does. She ran for the taxi in the rain while I was banging my confused head off the door. It was a very good day, but that doesn't mean I have to understand it.

I spent a good chunk of Wednesday in the Town Centre, wandering around looking for ideas for Mothers Day and Chris' birthday. I bought myself a ton of new pens to replace the old ones that, mysteriously, keep going missing. I also bought a new notebook for English since I've now started paying attention in class. It looks sexy when I keep things looking tidy.

Maddy's Birthday Bash is tomorrow. It consists of thirty plus people going bowling before heading to China Buffet King for an all you can eat buffet of immense proportions. Maddy is joining her party with Steven's (Laura's boyfriend), hence the huge numbers. It should be fun. I've already challenged Gary to a battle of the Bowling Gods. A tenner is in for the winner, so I'm going to be ten pounds richer this weekend.

I know that this blog is empty and devoid of real substance, but I have nothing deep to write. I'm defragmenting my brain and I need to sort similar thoughts next to each other in order to make proper sense of everything that is going on.

And then I'll be able to get that new processor...

Must. Not. Blink.

Thursday, March 16, 2006
I'm watching the world with a blank stare.

Does anyone feel somewhat sick with people these days? I mean, I live in a very small corner of the world and I've already had my fair share of people.

I miss the old days when I still had some naivete left in me.

Screw you Lyra!

My confidence has received a well desevered boost today.

I was pulled out of RE before the discussion had begun, before I had even taken a sip from my coffee. Mr Fitzpatrick led me down the hall before disappearing into a class and coming back out holding a handful of papers. My dissertation.

He gave me the usual update, expression this, structure that, need to meld the two books and so on.

"Otherwise it's pretty good." He finishes, taking off his glasses and rubbing them with his shirt.

"Really?" I exclaim.

"Yeah," he replied, replacing his glasses, "Just do what I said and you should have a sound dissertation."

I walked back into RE with a smile on my face.

Couple that with my amazing Graphics score (The teacher was actually sining "Big Joe's a genius") and my feeling of school has just increased by three hundred percent. I now feel that, if I put in the effort, I can actually get into Uni after all.

With fingers crossed that is.

And I wanted to talk about her cat...

Wednesday, March 15, 2006
"Hello stranger."

I stopped in my tracks. The voice was familiar but I couldn't place it. It was lingering on the edge of memory ready to be realised or lost forever. I turned slowly to face her, a smile of recognition appearing on my face.

"Long time no see." I replied, a cocky smile on my face. She was the same as she always was yet different. A little taller, longer hair, new glasses. She looked weird without her gun or her terrorist mask. "How did you find me?"

"I have my ways," she said with a flick of her hair. "Why? Did you want me to?"

I laughed as her eyes peered at me through her square rimmed glasses. "Eight months is a long time. I won't lie, I did occasionally think of you. All those good times. Do you still have-"

"Why didn't you tell me where you were?" She interrupted me, a pout on her face.

I stood there momentarily, frozen in the attempt to form a question like a deer caught in the headlights. I paused before throwing my hands up in innocence. "Memory is a tricky mistress."

She smiled and laughed. "Witty as ever I see."

Catching up with old friends is fun. A nice distraction from the endless amount of thoughts that are running through my head, most of which are English related.

I got my Graphics prelim back today, a hundred and three out of a hundred and forty. An A. I am so chuffed with myself. It's a shame that I failed English miserably. I don't have an amazingly long time until my exams, and therefore don't have an amazingly long time until freedom of the scary kind.

I don't want to grow up just yet.

Eskimos!

Monday, March 13, 2006
I have a million and one things to write and I suddenly find myself speachless.

Ranting at a commenter helped, but it hasn't helped enough. I'm drowning and choking in my own thoughts and I don't know what to do. I'm scared.

I'm in a book, the climactic scene is coming up. Decisions are resting on a knife edge, and the smallest development could cause it to drop either way.

I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!

Yet I can't, for I am speachless.

The last nail on the coffin

Friday, March 10, 2006
I have an hour to sit here to tell you about the last week, to tell you what's wrong with me, to tell you what I am thinking, and to tell you what's going to happen next. But lets make a long story short.

It's over, she's gone. And it's almost certain that she's not coming back.

After five nights of thinking, Marie decided to let me go. She had been debating whether or not she really loved me, and instead of dragging me along while she decided, she decided to break up with me. We're still friends, best friends infact, but we're not together.

Yet I am still madly in love with her.

I feel so fucking helpless. I said that I'd do something to get her back, but all I did was sit on my fat fucking ass as she thought alone. She fell right through my arms, and I wish like fuck I could catch her. I feel alone and empty, laughing while forcing back tears.

I habour a secret hope that she'll come back. That she'll realise the truth and take me back. Empty fucking hopes.

FUCK

Ignore me folks

Thursday, March 09, 2006
I will pay a huge sum of money to anyone who can lend me a hole that I can crawl into, no questions asked.

Expect clean up and partial police investigation in a months time.

Look it up

Sunday, March 05, 2006
I seem to have forgotten the fact that I am the definition of chickenshit.

Revelations

I can do something about it. If I try I can do it.

I'm going to do something. I'm not going to sit on my ass and let the best thing in my life slip out of my hands.

I'll never get any antics done if they keep running

"Hey. Who is dis?"

"Joe. Who are you?"

"I'm [insert name]. Ur name popped up on mine."

"You added me."

"No I didnt."

"Yeah you did. And I accepted, being the friendly guy I am and all."

"Stp lieing and b quiet."

"Sir, yes sir!"

"Ur an emo u cant b friendly."

"Ah, you are mistaken. I am a happy emo. Although I do not technically exist, I assure you that I am quite friendly."

"Wtc. How can u nt exist?"

"Well I'm an emo, who are endlessly sad and suicidal. However, I am happy, so I contradict myself and cancel myself out of existence. It's an interesting life."

"Dats smart. Wat age r u?"

"Seventeen."

"K im 12 im going 2 go now."

"Now? I was about to start my paedophilic antics!"

"[emoticon of stick man being set on fire] Hears a tip"

"One of these days I will my friend. One of these days."

"Go 2 hell."

"Bye!!!"


A moment of laughing fun in a day of gut numbing thoughts. I found myself resting against the wall with my head. My thoughts are too heavy to be carried by my body alone. Which is what I'm actually afraid of in the first place.

And who could ever guess that Marie Thinkety was a bad thing?

Throw me a rope

Saturday, March 04, 2006
My head is swimming.

So many things have happened today. Well, only one thing has happened, but it's so big that I can't actually think about it. For one thing I don't want to. The curse of being as sexy and smart as I am is that I tend to think about things too much. One thing links to another which links to another and soon enough I have an avalanche of thoughts that I neither want or need.

And the worst part? It's all out of my hands.

"If you can't do anything about it, why worry?"

A philosophy of mine. When shit's coming your way and you can't do anything to change it, don't think about it. And yet I can't stop thinking, I can't stop wondering.

Planometric?!

Friday, March 03, 2006
Finished.

Without sounding too big headed, or (God forbid) hopeful, but I think I pretty much nailed my Graphics prelim. I've lost at least fifteen marks, but when you considor the whole thing is out of a hundred then it isn't such a big deal.

We walked out of the exam lamneting our terrible failures. We didn't finish this drawing, this question was wrong, what the hell was that question about? We jumped over the snow laden ground, predicting the murder of us by our teachers sometime next week.

But the more I think about it, the more I think that I did ok. Yeah, this question was wrong, but I aced this drawing. And since the drawing was worth twenty marks... You get the picture.

And now I have a whole weekend off. No studying, no homwework, no nothing of any kind to get me stressed. This is going to be an easy weekend. I should be going to the cinema tomorrow, hanging out with my significant other as we run from building to building in a desperate attempt to fight off the cold.

Maybe.

Until then I chill out, listen to Brand New, and contemplate the questions that Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence has brought up.

Hmm.

Zippety doo da

Thursday, March 02, 2006
Had a good day.

Got up uber late and quickly looked over my notes before walking out into the most incredibly crisp and sunny day I've ever seen. The sun was shining down on my face as I walked in time with the music, and I drunk the cold air in with deep satisfaction.

It was nice.

The day was spent pouring over Graphics notes and past-papers in a vain attempt to understand what was going on. The talk of technicallities was riddled with general observations and discussion of the friendly nature. I missed this.

The day was good, the night is turning out to be almost as good.

Graphics, here I come.

I sleep now

Wednesday, March 01, 2006
I feel... Inspired.

It hasn't been the best day, I got some studying done, yet at the same time I got a whole lot of not studying done. And so I sit, talking with friends and writing this blog, feeling inspired yet extremely unproductive.

No idea what has come over me these days. Apart from the occasional happy moments it's simple to say that I've been... Ok, it's not so simple after all.

But that does not matter. I feel inspired. What that means, I'm not entirely sure, but I feel lik I should do something with it.

I want to open word and write up a story; my English creative folio is due sometime soon, I could revamp an old story for my reflective writing, or I could work out the details for my ingenious short story. But I can't.

I may be inspired, but I don't have the motivation.

Revisited

I was re-reading an old blog and I found this little gem again.

TRY THIS: Write 10 statements intended towards 10 different people. Write about something you would never say to his/her face or something that you wished you had said when you got the chance, but didn't.

1. Shut up shut up shut up shut up. No one gives a flying fuck what you think or what you do or what you say. Stop dragging the attention back to you, no one cares, your opinion is not law. Just sit down, and shove some more food in your mouth.

2. For the love of god, brush your teeth. I do NOT want to do this with you if I have to smell sour milk every time you get up in my face. And it is my damned interfering business.

3. Stop playing that game, it's doing you no good at all. Come out to the real world for once. It's monster free and everything.

4. Life is good for you right now, I hope like hell it'll stay that way. You deserve it. You haven't been through hell, not a lot of shit, you've had a half decent life, but you deserve this. Enjoy it while it lasts.

5. Cheer up. Life is good when you're not lamenting about all the things you're missing. Don't let anyone push you around.

6. Please come back. I miss your witty stories about nonsensical madness and money-filled shoes. I know you have exams... Come back after.

7. FUCK YOU.

8. You left, but you still want to be friends. You've shed all of your goddam responsibility to be who you are now. You think you can still tell me what to do? No, you don't have that right anymore. Go live your life, you have no say in mine.

9. You're a good friend. Please stay that way.

10. I don't want to repeat myself, you know what I'm going to say. Well, I hope you do.