Sleepwalking my way through life: Clawing out my eyes



Clawing out my eyes

"I see you baby, shaking that ass. Shaking that ass."

I remember when that song came out. I was in primary seven, a good six years ago and it was played quite often on the old wireless. It was a decent song, an ok rhythm plus the added factor of saying "ass" and having a good reason.

Why am I talking about an old, outdated song? It was shown on a new car advert accompanied by the images of shaking asses. Nice, round, very seeable asses.

Usually this would create a nice effect, I'd watch, notice the car and be inclined to by it because the shaking asses command it so. But although the images created nice viewing, it was the song that made me revolt in horror.

I'll take you back almost exactly six years to my pre-cool days of primary school, to the week long fantastical trip to Ardintinny, an outdoor activity centre on the coast of Scotland. We had fun, laughs and adventures all round, but nothing we experienced that week could prepare us for the horror of the last night.

A disco was arranged to celebrate the end of the week, and as a cleverly disguised plot to help the two schools mingle together and form friends. And of course, dancing.

My teacher at the time, a Mrs McCann, can only described as a man with a serious case of Body Odour. I know that this may sound quite harsh, but it is non-the-less true. She carried around extra strong male deoderant in her bag. Her husband, one of my old science teachers, was the same. But that's a different story.

The teachers were standing at the side, having a laugh as they discussed the terrors of their respective classes as I watched some guys from my class breakdance on the shiny smooth floor. And then the song came on, and everyones ass began to shake. I headed to the side of the dancefloor where some of my friends stood. I didn't like dancing and I wanted to get as far away from wiggling asses as possible, so I pushed through the throng of people and saw a terrible sight.

Right infront of me, not even two foot away, was Mrs McCann shaking her ass.

I stood for a second dumbfounded, frozen by the monstrosity of this sight, before running blindly towards the edge of the floor and bang my head off the wall. Yet still the memory reamains. A memeory linked to that god awful song.

I had nightmares that very night.
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