Sleepwalking my way through life: December 2005



"Merry Christmas folks."

Monday, December 26, 2005
I promised myself that I wouldn't blog when i was away, but since I've already broken a promise to someone I might as well continue with the trend.

If I go out, I go out guns a-blazing.

Now, this should be a merry post, filled with the joyous bringings of Christmas with all related festivities and actions included. Dinners, presents, family, friends, and just the general air of niceness.

It really really should be.

Truth be told, I have never felt more alone than sitting on that pathway, staring at a really beautiful sight.

Merry Christmas folks.

"Because my eyes are burning."

Thursday, December 15, 2005
A short 'un.

Singapore tomorrow. The flight's at half three and we're heading there at twelve so that we can pick up Marie and bring her to see me off. I'll board the plane, head to Amsterdam before transferring and heading straight to Singapore.

At least, I hope so.

Flu is a bitch. And because it's decided to attack me for the past few days I might not be able to go. Not allowed to fly if you're sick you see.

And on that note I'm going to leave. Because my eyes are burning.

"And a merry fake Christmas to all, and to all a good night."

Sunday, December 11, 2005
Merry fake Christmas people.

I sit here, in the best t-shirt known to man (courtesy of my lovely Marie), sipping a glass of coke and contemplating the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Is it the mountain of homework that's piling up on me? The English unit test, my dissertation, and now drama jumping into the mix? No, this feeling isn't a homework feeling. It's too deep for that.

Troubles with the wife? Nope. Apart from a few hiccups throughout the day I had a fantastic time. We wished each other a merry fake Christmas, exchanged presents and waited out the rest of the night doing nothing in particular. She loved her book, Marian Keyes' Further Under The Duvet, her dvd, Pooh's Heffalump Movie and the little bear keyring I got her. The keyring was of a bear holding a heart out in it's hand with a gaping hole in his chest.

I thought it summed me up quite well.

I received the afore mentioned best shirt in all of mankind, and three volumes of Tsubasa, a manga that I've really been enjoying. She even got the right ones, so I'm really impressed.

No, I had a great day yesterday.

So it must be something today. I sat, I attempted my homework to no avail, and watched some Invader Zim. Halfway through an episode about Vampire Pigs my phone buzzes to life with a text. My Dad is wanting to call me, so I set up the internet, launch Skype, and before you know it I'm chatting away with my Dad.

"So you ready for coming out then?" He asks, crackling with interference.

"Yeah," I reply, "I just need to buy some more underwear and I think I'm raring to go."

"That's good then."

"Yeah." I say, taking a bite out of my penguin.

"Look Joe, I'm going to be doing a job for BP over the holiday period, and I'm going to be the project leader."

"That's good." I say, taking another bite.

"Yeah it is. The thing about it is that it means I'm not going to have as much time off as first thought."

"How much time do you have off then?" I replied, swallowing my chocolate penguin.

"One day a week."

The penguin had to fall further than normal, the pit had just been created.

"Sorry," he continued on, "it's just that if they ask me now and I say no then they won't ask me again."

There was a pause. The only thing that betrayed my emotion was a three second frame from the webcam.

"Ok." I said, smiling.

"Are you sure you're ok with it?"

"Yeah, it's fine. Extra work means extra money, which is always a good thing. And besides, I'll still have you on weekends."

I hoped I still had him on weekends.

"Yeah, and that one day."

Three weeks with my dad and I'll only see him for about ten days.

"It's ok then, I understand."

And I sit here, in the best t-shirt known to man, sipping a glass of coke, forcing the lump in my throat to retreat to the pit in my stomach.

And a merry fake Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

"Well, maybe being eaten alive."

Friday, December 09, 2005
There's nothing worse than being in a deep mood with nothing deep to say.

Well, maybe being eaten alive. But nothing else before that.

Yeah, apologies for the previous post. No idea what came over me except for a profound need to say some things that will be relevant to all yet none.

Nothing to do. So watch me sit and vegetate.

"I remember"

Friday again.

I was typing a nice big post about the problems with my room and stuff like that, but I really don't feel like it anymore.

Have you ever read or seen something so powerful that it changes the way you think?

There was something I read not too long ago. It was a really disturbing thing to see, but at the same time it was just so damn powerful. I read it and all these things ran through my head. I remember when I used to think about killing myself, just ending all the shit that was going on in my life. I remember the absolute hopelessness I'd feel when waking up in the morning and I remember going to bed with the wish of never waking again. I remember feeling the urge to scream my lungs out in my the middle of school. I remember going into the toilet to shed silent tears.

I remember when I did things I regret.

And I remember when it stopped. When the thoughts and feelings ended, when the world was brighter. I had something to live for again.

And I remember when I became truly happy. Happier than I've ever been in my entire life.

Things change. Slowly, but surely, they change.

Just stick around to see it.

Ending the depressive post here.

"Thanks."

Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Before I forget.

I was browsing my usual pages earlier when my eye caught an interesting sight on a certain page. A sight that gave me a warm, happy feeling to my chest and a smile to my lips.

No, it wasn't porn. Sickos.

I love seeing my link on someone elses page. It really makes me feel all warm and special inside, and especially since said page is a really amazing page in itself, it only enhances the feeling.

So, I'd just like to say...

Thanks.

"Insert cheesey grin and holding up a of book."

Call me Hamlet.

I'm procrastinating. I should be rapidly typing my english essay in a vain attempt to finish for tomorrow morning, but seeing as Ms Harte foolishly told us that we could finish it for Friday. So I've decided to do this instead.

She really is a foolish teacher.

We went to the library today. I had forgotten all about it until I sat down, trying to warm my freezing hands form the cold, and Clare just mentioned it.

And that brightened up my day. I headed up to the library to blog about it, but Mr Kerr decided to not let us on the computers because a class was coming in and he didn't want any distractions.

No bother, I headed down to the Town Centre with Gary. He informed me that I was involved in a Secret Santa in drama, two pounds limit and the objects have to be from the pound store.

Oh the possibilities...

After a quick look around I decided against the dog lead for Assunta fearing it would put across an unwanted message. I bought her a garden gnome and a packet of batteries, 'cause you always need batteries, and who doesn't like garden gnomes? Gary bought Hannah a plastic sword and a feather scarf thingy (I want to say boa, but I'm, not too sure if that's it...).

Gary being Gary however openned the sword set and proceeded to put them on and patrol around the Town Centre talking like ye olde english knight. However, the bulging muscles of Gary's arm was just too much for one of the poor gauntlets, and it snapped under the pressure of his mighty strength.

After a little while, we decided to head into Ottackers and grab a quick coffee before heading back up to school. Even warriors need to drink! So we sat down, him with his tea, me with my hot chocolate (I'm a wuss when it comes to coffee people) and sat and talked about God and the universe and all the usual stuff I reserve for discussing with John. Funny how neither me nor Gary believe in God.

No one talks more about God than those who insist that there is no God.

I bought a book, and mulled over buying John Milton's Paradise Lost before realising that I didn't have enough money, and why spend money when I can use the ever present help of my local library!

Insert cheesey grin and holding up of a book.

We headed back up to school, buying a truckload of sweets and drinks along the way (Aswell as Clares lunch which she asked me to get from the chippie) and sat around in the lunch hall before going to the bus.

The bus ride was a right laugh. We just sat and messed about, eating and drinking until I felt sick with chocolate. Me, Gary and Clare sat in the back row, talking about the random topics that pop into our heads and pissing about in general. The funniest point was when I reached under the chair in front of me and grabbed Monica's leg. She screamed so loud that everyone turned round to see what was wrong.

All the while I was laughing my ass off.

I made it up by giving her a Toblerone though. Farmfoods is great. Lots of great stuff that's extremely cheap.

The library was ok. I found a really great book for my Dissertation and got some pretty amazing notes that I can use and develop on. But still need to do another thousand words by next thursday. It's really due in for Friday, but since I'll be on a plane heading for the other side of the world at that time, I don't think I'd be able to hand it in...

Ah crap, nine days left.

Terrified yet excited at the same time. It's only just hit me that in just over a week I'll be in Singapore. Singapore!. I'm wondering about the food, the people, the area, the climate, will I remember everyone's names, will I make friends over there, will I miss my friends too much, will I miss Marie too much, am I going to enjoy myself, will I get the right plane, will the plane explode on the way there...

And then I take a deep breath and remember that I won't know what happens until it happens, so I shouldn't panic.

And then I panic anyway.

"My tricentennial post."

Monday, December 05, 2005
And so we reach it.

The end of a countdown that started over a week ago. A countdown that has spurred many questions and quite a bit of anticipation as well as, in one case, quite a bit of orgasming.

So here it comes. I'm actually bubbling with a mixture of excitement and nervousness myself. I'm extremely happy with what this post holds, but at the same time I know that you, the reader, is going to be let down. Which is why I'm using this sexy new template to mark the occasion.

Brace yourselves.

This very post, the one that you're reading right now, is my three hundredth post. My tricentennial post. If two hundred means I'm industrial, then three hundred must mean I'm revolutionary.

And that's what I've been counting down to. I feel especially proud of myself that I've lasted this long, and I'd actually like to thank my readers for making me continue on in my day to day dealings with this great mystery that we call life. I told you that you'd be disappointed, didn't I?

Three hundred posts.

It makes me smile just thinking about it.

And so I leave you. But I hope you excuse me if I raise my glass and toast myself on what I reckon is an achievement on my part.

Here's to three hundred more.

"One"

Late night posting again.

Or, would this be early morning? Technically, yes it would be, but lets call it night anyway.

This weekend has been an eventful one to say the least. I was genuinely surprised to wake up this morning and discover it was only Sunday and I still had another day to go before school commenced. Yet I was to discover that I had another day off before school began.

We're getting the windows replaced tomorrow, and since mum is unsure of when the men will arrive, I've to stay at home and wait for them and make sure they do things right. I'm not complaining though. It means I get an, otherwise pointless, day off school in order to catch up on various tasks that need sorting out and doing English homework.

And, of course, this blog.

Friday night was a day in itself. Many many bad things happened. You'll forgive me for not going into a few of them in detail, but I can tell you some.

For one thing, being the youngest family member in the area, apart from the two young demon sisters, always means that it's your responsibility to take care of said demon sisters. And these sisters happen to be armed with plastic whip-like-headbands and the knowledge that you can't hit them back.

With many whip stings and kicks to the eye later the men rescue me and take me to the pub down the street. I drown my sorrows in coke, only to realise that happiness is not at the bottom of a glass. Only the cold touch of ice and a distorted view of what lies ahead.

The night picked up slightly after that. We ate, we talked, we jest. I spent a good deal of time in the kitchen with Arthur talking about things. It wasn't all bad. He told me all about his experiences in Singapore, and asked me to send him a postcard when I'm there.

I'm thinking about doing that for quite a few people actually.

Saturday was good too. I spent the entire day at Marie's house, watching tv and talking and eating. It was fun.

Today was spent at another family doo. In short I spent most off my time sitting alone and eating Chicken Curry while people I don't know talked to other people I don't know and people I didn't want to talk to rambled on about things that I knew more about than they did.

I was glad when I got home, it meant I could work on things for tomorrow.

This is the end of the countdown, so next post is going to have something... Special.

Like I said, I'm probably over hyping this. And I'd like to apologise now if you end up a little disappointed tomorrow.

Enjoy.

One

"Two"

Sunday, December 04, 2005
Look at the frame.

You walk through art galleries, museums; looking at the pictures laid out on the walls. Pictures that fill you with beauty, feeling, thought and just general boredom. But then something strikes you, and you stop.

We were taking down all the curtains in the house today to make room for the windows to be replaced. I decided to help seeing as my dissertation was going no where fast, and helped take down the hangings in the spare bedroom. The bedroom was a bare place, empty apart from a bookshelf and the printer with laminate flooring and white walls creating a cold feel to the room. Mum went outside to fold the curtains while I remained to look out to the window, and I was struck dumb by the sight.

I looked into my back garden, the sunlight playing off the wet grass and causing shadows to spread across the ground. My eyes looked upwards past the bushes stripped by winter and over the tops of several gardens, sun filtering through to highlight certain areas in a golden glory of light with clear droplets of water being highllighted on the tips of branches.

I stood there, alone in that room, and watched in wonder with my mouth hanging open in awe. A truly majestic sight stood before me, and I was perplexed at why it was so.

My thoughts were interrupted by Mum needing help to carry the chest of drawers out of her room. I helped and we deposited under the window in the back bedroom. While Mum pottered off to do some more chores around the house I stoood and looked out the window once again, expecting the same reaction as I just experienced.

But nothing happened.

I looked out to my back garden, wet with rain that had fallen over the night. The leavless bushes and the dripping branches also passed my view, yet I felt nothing.

I took a step back and looekd again, the drawers ever present under the window, and that's when I realised it.

When I first looked to the window the surroundings were empty. Bare white walls and a cold hard floor surrounded the window where the view stood. The contrast created by the empty surroundings was what propelled the scenery to such a fantastic sight. Now that surrounding was busy with the chest of drawers it took the focus off the view.

So when you're walking through that gallery, or that museum, and you see a painting that really astounds you and amazes you with beauty, you should turn around and walk back the way you came. You could find some other gem lost among the crap on the never ending walls.

Unless you can't tell, I'm not talking about art.

Two

"Three"

Friday, December 02, 2005
I'm lazy.

Family gathering tonight. Well, sort of family. Close friends of family who we haven't seen for a good long while. Basically a good couple of hours filled with talking about old times and how such and such did this while such and such did that. Riveting stuff really.

Five minutes ago I said, "Ok, I'm going to get up now."

I have not moved an inch.

So I decided to open up a blog and type. I've had yet MORE feedback about the little countdown of mine. I was sitting there, becoming slightly frustrated with the amount of incompetent people in Guild Wars and received a text from my very dear Marie.

"So... What's the countdown about?"

Ha! My fanbase grows...

I was actually wondering when she would get round to reading this page, I've mentioned it quite a few times in the past three months. This is good I suppose... Then she can read more about me and stuff... But now I'm going to have to censor my blogging even more than usual.

Yay!

Tomorrow is the third of December, three months since the third of September. And guess what happened on the third of September?

Me and Marie have been together for exactly three months tomorrow, and I can tell you one thing right now.

I could not be happier.

Well I could, I'd be happier if I didn't have to go to this family thing. But that ruins the imagery.

Yeah.

Three

"Four"

More first years. Yay.

It's Friday already. Gone is another week that's raced by in a whirlwind of classes and cold weather. These days I seem to be living for the weekend, letting the days fly by without much notice yet drinking in every second of my Saturday.

I was surfing the net till midnight last night. I had logged off MSN at eleven in the vain attempt to drift off, so I stayed up and surfed the net in hope of finding something that would hold my attention for longer than three seconds.

I failed in that too.

So I started re-reading my old posts. I felt that I should do the tradition of looking back into the old when running up to an occasion such as one that is coming. I read all my posts all the way back to the beginning of summer before the sand man tightened his grip on my shoulder and led me to the land of dreams. But before I went to sleep I realised how much things have changed in the past six months.

My posts were very different. I would sit and tell you about my day, about what I was going to do over the weekend and (If I was bored enough) I'd tackle some of the issues that were running through my mind. And another thing, I was funny. Funny!

Seriously, my jokes were like the type you'd find in the likes of Penny-Arcade (Well, in the older days). I used to have puns and quips and a never-ending batch of sarcasm. I was worried that I;d wake my mum if I kept laughing so much.

So what's happened?

Nowadays my posts are more thoughtful and (Dare I say it?) deep. Gone are the days of telling you about my day and what happened, we've come to an age of summaries and ponderings of life, the universe and everything.

When I think about it now, I see how my writing reflects me personally.

If you have the courage to look back on my first posts, you'd see a small, immature child with more knowledge of emoticons than knowledge of the fairer sex. You'd see a kid who's just crashed head first into puberty with no idea what's going on and what's happening next. Erratic writing, random nonsense, and too many uses of the exclamation mark. This, I am ashamed to say, was me.

Fast forward a bit. You find a person who has started to find themselves, to get their bearings in the world. You find someone who's in the midst of changes, depressive feelings, with no idea what to do. The writing is more fluid, there's a point to it, hardly any random crap. This was also me.

Now?

I'd like to think I've found myself, but I know I haven't. I know I've barely scratched the surface of what I'm like, how I'll react and change as time moves on. I wish I could fast forward more, see what I'm like in the future. Will I like it?

Probably not. But there's nothing I can do to change it can I?

We shall see, says the blind man.

And we shall see indeed.

Four

"Five"

Thursday, December 01, 2005
Another day another blog.

A few of you have begun commenting on the numbers that I've been using as headers over the past few days. And some of them have speculated that it could be a countdown of sorts.

Well, they would be right.

It is a countdown of sorts. I wish that I had started it a little later on (Maybe at five) but it's too late to change it now.

(G wants me to tell you that he's stroking me... It feels niiiice)

Many people have speculated about what the countdown is about, but none of them are right. To be honest, I'm actually quite proud of what will come up in a few posts time. But think of this place like an on going book.

READ IT.

Wait until I get there. I know I may be over hyping this, but I don't care anymore. You're going to have to read on to find out exactly what's happening. And I'm sorry if it's going to be an anti-climax, but you should read on anyway.

I might put up some new countdowns every once in a while, it seems effective in getting my "readers" more interested in what I'm writing.

You'll have to wait and see.

Five