Sleepwalking my way through life: "Maybe I've lost some naivety too."



"Maybe I've lost some naivety too."

The heater was a warm comfort in the cold light corridor.

I rested on it, my feet stretching out, my head hanging forward and my hands and ass becoming toasty warm. I looked towards the open door of the guidance base and here Mr.Nelson talk on and on to someone about university. He told me that he was running behind on his interviews, so I should come back in ten minutes. The problem is that I had no where to go. If I went back to my class my teacher would have scolded me for leaving again and if I wandered around the school I might forget all about the time and miss the interview all together. So after a quick breakfast from the vending machines I was set. Now all I could do was bide my time.

I considered what I was taking for university. How things would change over the next year. How I would become older, more mature, more adult.

And then I looked at myself.

My shirt and tie, my black trousers, my smart shoes. If I removed my tie then anyone passing me in the street would have no idea whether I was in school or working. Whether I was an adult or a child.

It doesn't matter, I thought. I'm an adult anyway. At least a young adult.

It took me a moment to count the years I've lived, and a sudden realisation dawned on me. I was still a kid. A child, a young'un. The only thing separating me from the first years was five years of information and about a foot. A small first year girl walks by, hair done up in bunches and a quiet smile on her face. She prances past me and disappears behind a doorway. I smile to myself. Maybe I've lost some naivety too.

I listen to Mr.Nelson some more, his voice going on and on about university and future prospects. I remember the first time I went through this song and dance. I had no idea what I was doing, applying to University and everything, but I did it. I had barely any help, no advice from anyone about money, courses or anything. But I went through with it. I felt older, mature. I even had a talk with the head teacher. He asked me why I was leaving, where I was going and what I wanted to do in life. I never felt more equal with a teacher.

I thought of all my teachers and how I considered myself as at the same level with them. They were easy to talk to, eye to eye and everything. But I'm wrong. I think of Mr.Mulvey who's class I left for this interview. He's a short grey haired old man who has more bad jokes than common sense. He's a good half foot shorter than me, but I know he always has to look down to see me.

In English, we have daily conversations with the teacher. It hasn't been a good day without the banter that we have. But I see that they aren't my equals. They are here to teach, and I am here to learn. They are above, and I am below. It has always been that way. Even in third year when you became "friends" with your teachers. No matter how tall I get, the teachers will always tower over me.

A girl walks out of the class with a confused look on her face and is followed by Mr.Nelson. He looks at me.

"De ja vu, seems like we've done this before. You ready?" He said while motioning into the room.

I smile, nod and follow him in. My hands and ass are nice and toasty from the rest. I think about where I'll be next year, and smile again as I imagine a filled lecture hall with a lecturer going on about Shakespeare. I'll probably be below him too. I look up into Mr.Nelsons eyes and wonder when I will be equal.

Ah well, I guess I'll take it one step at a time. Growing up is a tricky business if you don't think ahead.
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5 Comments:

At 7:29 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Scating on the edge
I got three comments in my moderation queue a few days ago. I didn't approve them, even though they were obviously entered by hand and on topic.
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At 8:40 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good to know about your toasty ass

 
At 9:33 pm, Blogger You know, that Laura person. said...

Darling, I'd love to read some of your English projects.

You are an AMAZING writer. You just have this gift... and it's so uncommon these days! I've read so many things, written by so many different people...

Out of all the polished, well thought out work I have read from hundreds of people... your blogs are among the best. Your BLOGS.

It's a gift. You should definitely use it.

Think about a career as an author, or a journalist or something.

USE THAT TALENT, BOY!

 
At 1:50 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're looking forward to Lectures about Shakespeare?

Lectures are dry enough as it is, let alone having someone rattle on about a dude that's been dead for the last couple of centuries.

 
At 11:14 pm, Blogger Joe said...

Sorry Anon. You missed the point completely...

 

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