Sleepwalking my way through life: September 2005



"I discovered something today."

Friday, September 30, 2005
I just spent four hours typing out a huge blog.

It was truly massive. It could rival some short stories by covering a whopping five pages of A4. It contained some of my deepest thoughts and feelings. It had my view on my past, present, and future relationships and what I really think about them.

I just spent four hours typing out a huge blog that took four seconds to delete.

I discovered something today.

The earlier post today was a rant. A ramble on how I had had a crap morning and I was pissed off at my friends for something they did. I was mad when I wrote it, seething with the humility that was in fact still very fresh. But as soon as I finished typing the blog, I almost didn't want to post it.

I wanted to save it, to hide it in a region of cyber space until I was safe in the comfort of my abode. If I had posted it that moment, then my friends who were on neighboring computers would read it and be concerned, apologetic or, at worst, annoyed.

Of course, at the time of writing, that's what I wanted them to feel. I wanted them to know that they had hurt me. But by the time I finished the blog I didn't want them to know just quite yet.

That's because I was fine with it.

That is the miracle of this place. This is where I can rant and rave without interruption. I sit here and vent my thoughts and feelings into words and phrases, with no back chat, no persuasion. I can sit here and be listened to without having to listen.

And by the end of it, I'm great. I can take on the world again.

So as I sat in the library, the pointer hovering over the "Publish Post" button, I wondered if I should have saved the post for later, to avoid the questions and comments.

But Rooney gave me a fright and I clicked it by mistake.

"Fucking displeased indeed."

Another day, another blog.

I walk up to school today with my black shirt open to reveal the white t-shirt underneath. I was out the door so quickly that I had forgotten to button it up. My hair had sprung into curls for the heavy drizzle that plagued the air. Needless to say that I was slightly ticked off.

But that doesn't matter. Cos when I get in I'll sit down, talk to my friends, and all will be well.

You can imagine my displeasure when I walk in and receive an attack off of them. I know that one or two of them will read this, and I want them to know how displeased I was when I came in.

Fucking displeased indeed.

I walk in, wave, and give my usual "Howdy" before taking off my bag and jacket.

"It is so not six weeks!"

"What?"

"You and Marie, you have not been going out for six weeks!"

"How'd you mean?"

"Well, it's been twenty six days since the open day. Which adds up to three week's."

I slowly did up my tie as I contemplated this. "It's been six weeks since I met her."

"No it hasn't!"

Now it is time for me to set the scene for you. I was standing, in the crush, in front of the benches that we usually sit at. The benches are in an L-formation to line up against the wall, so everyone was facing me.

I don't perform well under those conditions.

I felt like I was on trial, they were sitting there singling me out and interrogating me.

And I did the worst thing I can ever do when under pressure.

"N-n-no it's definitely s-six weeks."

I fucking stuttered.

Now cue the humiliation. This is what I hated most about being friends with Jen and Chaz. When they made fun of me when it was just them, I was fine with it, cos I could handle what they took. But when they made fun of me in front of other people, I hated it. I couldn't block it out because I had to defend myself.

Yes, dear friends, I am comparing you with the most soulless beast on the planet.

And so the conversation moved on slightly. I stood there, still on guard and still humiliated, waiting for the tension to pass. But soon, someone spoke up again.

"Joe. The Uni day was on a Monday."

"Yes, I know that."

"And that was your first date with Marie."

"No it wasn't!"

"What?"

"My first date was on the Saturday before that!"

"Which means..."

"Four weeks!"

"Oh yeah. It's four weeks tomorrow and-"

"-and six weeks since we met."

"Oh yeah."

Damn fucking straight.

"Dude, this is a crap chapter of the novel."

Thursday, September 29, 2005
It's amazing where word of mouth can take you.

For example. This blog has increased it's amount readers by at least one hundred percent. I have no idea how many of them will stay with us, but I welcome them.

Jeez, I sound like a Bible group.

Gary (Hendersex) walked up to me this morning.

"Wow Joe! That website of yours is great!"

"Hey, thanks man."

"How do you come up with those stories? I know you base them on yourself and your friends, but how did you come up with them?"

"What?"

"You're stories."

"Those aren't stories, that's my actual life you know."

"Really? I thought I was reading a novel!"

I laughed, and the day seemed to go a bit quicker.

Yesterday I drew a doodle of Jeff on my notebook. Cara noticed it and asked if I could do one of her. Then Becca asked. Being the nice guy that I am, I said I would do my best, but they had to give me a week. And so they left it.

But now I have to draw three pictures...

I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I haven't drawn anything in ages. But this afternoon in Drama I doodled a picture of a woman from the Crucible (The film we were watching) and it turned out pretty good. And it was fun to draw instead of the usual frustration I have.

Maybe this is a good thing after all.

I apologise. This post is turning into the random ramblings of a raving lunatic.

Lots of R's there.

Dude, this is a crap chapter of the novel.

"[Lots of scenes missing]"

Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Long time, no post.

Many many things have happened since my last post, and I have decided to use my two free hours of school, time to update this instead of leaving it in the abysmal abyss of emptiness.

But where to start?

I believe I'll begin the saturday before last. I had convinced my mum that Maddy was hosting an all-night movie marathon session with pizza. She reluctantly agreed to let me go, and I left the house to head into Glasgow.

Several hours later I found myself outside Marie's house waiting for her to disarm the alarm to let us in. She lived inside a large bungalow that smelled faintly of flowers. Marie, being the gracious host that she was, gave me the grand tour before we settled on the couch of her living room.

[scene missing]

My phone was ringing. I jumped pout of the bed and answered it quickly, my voice calm and smooth. It was Mum. Asking where I was and where I had been all day.

"At Maddy's house. Remember? You said I could go."

"Yeah, but I didn't expect you to go all day."

"Well sorry, but I was."

"What's Maddy's phone number?"

My blood froze.

"Why do you ask?"

"I'm going to call you to make sure you're actually there."

"Fine, just gimme a sec to get it. She's in the toilet right now."

"Ok, bye."

"Bye."

*click*

I immediately dial Maddys house and tell her the situation. She's leaving for work in ten minutes and don't know if she could cover for me. I told her to do her best, and hung up.

I phoned mum back.

"Hello?"

"Yeah, the phone number is [Insert numbers]. But I dunno if you can call me now. My stomoache is feeling a bit off after I had greggs this afternoon..."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I might head to the toilet soon."

"Oh ok then. I'll call you sometime later tonight."

Fuck. Me.

"Ok then... Gotta go! Bye!"

And Marie and I proceeded to freak out.

Luckily she didn't call for the rest of the night and we were left to our own... devices.

The next morning I headed home on the underground while Marie went to work. I bought a card (My mum's birthday was on that day) and a bottle of coke from a shop in Glasgow Central before jumping on my train. I was home free. I hadn't got caught, and I was going to be home in perfect time.

"Tickets please."

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

No money. No goddamn money. I tried to give him my East Kiilbride to Glasgow ticket from the day before, but he looked right at it and examined it thoroughly.

I really thought I was boned this time.

"I'll come back to you on this one." he said.

And he didn't.

He walked up and down the two carriages a few times, but he didn't come over and ask for my ticket. I was extemely relieved.

The rest of the week went by without incident. Mum never called Maddy and was totally clueless about what had happened, and school went on as it usually did.

But the September weekend was approaching quickly, and Marie's parents were going away again. My devious brain whirred into life at the possibility.

"Jeff is having a party and she wants me and a few other people to crash to help her clean up."

I love my persuasuion skills.

However, Marie was working from five to eight, meaning I'd have to get a really late train, or be in her house by myself. I voted for the latter option, it meant I got in a warm place a lot quicker and it was a test to see if she trusted me enough. So she agreed and gave me the code to her house alarm.

And off I went.

I could remember the way to her house easily enough, and I got in without incident. I sat and watched tv for an hour or so until she came through the door. I saw her, hugged her, and brought out the pink roses from behind my back.

Aren't I just the best boyfriend ever!

Needless to say she loved them, and we sat down to watch part of a film before....

[Lots of scenes missing]

Ok, now I've gotten quite a few lectures about what happened last night. Seriously, I've heard it all. "That was too fast", "Are you sure you were ready?", "That was WAY too fast."

I don't care.

I don't regret a single second of it. Yes, I do agree, we went really fucking fast. It was obvious from our first date.

But I love her.

It's her birthday on saturday. Yesterday I went out and bought this beautiful necklace for her. I'm going to give it to her when I take her out for dinner this saturday.

Yes, once again, aren't I the best boyfriend EVER!

But I have one thing to say before I go.

I am in love.

Hell fucking yes

"But yes, I said NAKED."

Friday, September 23, 2005
[This post has been removed by the author]

"Hands down."

Monday, September 19, 2005
[This post has been removed by the author]

"How emo of me."

Friday, September 16, 2005
School.

Again.

Friday afternoons. I usually sit on the benches in the Crush, music in my ear, notepad on my lap and a pen on my fingertips. Apart from the occasional body that passes through on the way to the john, I am alone.

But not today.

I've borrowed Laura's password for the school computer and I sit on the internet, bored as fuck. The library is warm, almost stiflingly so, and in the background I listen to Ramsay drawl on about Scottish politics. The combination is almost sending me to sleep, so I apologise if this Blog begins to slide into the philosophical babble that I usually give when tired.

Last night, I spent a good chunk of my time alone in my bed, in the dark and waiting for the phone to ring.

How emo of me.

Marie had texted me about twenty minutes earlier, saying that she was going to call me.

"Wow, that sounds pretty serious." I replied.

"Yeah. I really need to talk to you about something."

"Ok. Excuse me while I stop texting so I can figure out what I've done wrong."

"No no no no..." She replied. "Not you."

Ah shit.

And so I waited. My room was dark and cold, the open window bringing in a slight chill. I stared at the phone silently, challenging it to ring.

And it did.

Ten minutes later I had hung up. She had told me what had happened, and I had given her ten minutes for me to make my decision.

The day before last, she went out for the day with one of her school friends, Robbie. I had thought this was a great idea, seeing how she had barely seen any of her friends since she left school at the end of summer. So I was encouraging her to go along and have lots of fun.

Bad management choice.

She told me that he had kissed her. And she felt so bad about it that she had to tell me. She felt bad about betraying my trust, and she was worried about what was going to happen.

And so I gave her ten minutes. I needed to think about things. Most of them involved kicking Robbie faceless, but not all of them.

When I found out that my dad had cheated on my mum, causing them to split up all those years ago, I decided that I had a merciless policy on cheating. Anyone who had cheated on someone, I automatically disliked.

For instance, Benn. Maddy's ex-boyfriend was a really fantastic guy. He was really funny and great to be around, but then he kissed another girl. And now every time he's mentioned I make some comment on seeing what his insides are like.

Based on this, we can safely theorise that it would be the same with Marie. I would have told her it was over and hung up, with a lingering feeling of resentment.

Putting theory into practice however, isn't as easy as it seems.

I came to a decision and texted her to call me back.

"Joe, I am so sorry. Please, just give me another chance. Please."

"Marie, really really like you, a lot, but I can't forgive you for what you did."

I could hear her begin to cry on the otherside of the phone, incoherent babbling coming through to my end. I could feel my insides break.

"Please don't cry. It's alright."

She hung up on me. I laid on my bed, terrified abbot what was going to happen. A few minutes later my phone began to vibrate again, and I picked it up.

And we sorted everything out.

Everything's great.

Mostly.

I am still seething about the kiss, but I can let it go. I must really like this girl.

I'd better leave you now, the bell is about to go and I only have one period of English left before I'm home free for the day. Thank God for that.

"Hwoon dahn."

Tuesday, September 13, 2005
I finished watching the Firefly series this afternoon.

And because of it I'm determined to start swearing in Chinese. It sounds a lot less crude than it does in English.

And if you go tell a Ned to have sexual relations with his mother you can have the pleasure of insulting him and looking at the confused look on his face as he tries to figure out what you said.

Now, I'm not one to want to learn another language. But if I did, it would be either Chinese or Japanese.

Yes, that does sound unbelievably geeky of me, but I don't care. Being able to speak Japanese would be fantastic. I could watch untranslated anime and know what it means. I can get really amazing Japanese games before they're released in PAL.

And, of course, the swearing.

But I digress from the story of my life, which I'm sure all of you are eager to hear.

But this isn't going to be about me really. Well, it is, but I'm going to focus more on my friends.

Or should I say, lack of?

I won't start at the beginning, seeing as in my lifetime I have ploughed my way through a good deal of people. So I'm going to start at the beginning of this summer.

I had good friends. I didn't have a best one, yet, but I did have really good friends. Maddy, Jeff and Laura. Three of my very good friends at the time. We went out, we had fun, we were friends.

But now, five weeks into school, I'm not so sure.

Due to timetables and impending jobs, I've started to drift from them. I think.

I only speak to Maddy about once, maybe twice a week. I'm lucky to even speak to Jeff at all these days. Laura is the only one who I've been talking to regulary.

But on the other hand, I've made more friends.

For example, Cara. Although I still don't know much about her, I still considor her a really good friend.

And John. If I had a best friend, then he would be it. I've gotten to know him a lot more and we are really great friends, but we still live in two different worlds.

I've sacrificed personal friendships to belong in a group. A gathering of people at the same spot in the Crush. We sit, we talk, we laugh. I don't know any of them really well.

I'm just wondering if it's the right kind of friendship for me.

But there's one thing I'm really worried about.

I thought I had solid friendship with someone, but even that has been shaken to it's core. I remember I used to look at this relationship and smile, thinking that it can never be broken.

Needless to say that I was wrong.

I'm going to end this blog here, because I can see it descending into the ranks of an emo rant. And I do not want this blog to become cryptic. Again.

Hwoon dahn.

"Funny thing happened last night..."

Monday, September 12, 2005
Morning.

I couldn't be bothered going to Drama today, I'm just not up to it.

Add to the fact that I haven't done my homework and you've got a great recipe for not goign in.

Funny thing happened last night...

I tried to go to bed at a decent time, seeing how I stayed up to three un the morning on the previous night, but about half an hour after I went to bed there was a disturbing sound coming from the bathroom. Now the bathroom is next door of mine, and occasionally I can here sounds coming from there if it is.. occupied.

No, I didn't hear that you sick minded fools.

Chris had just come in from work, and he had probably been drinking with his friends after it. Probably? No, he had been drinking. And I know this because I could hear him throwing it up in the toilet.

This had happened before, and since I was in a sleepy state as it was I continued to sleep.

I was awoken again at about four in the morning. Mum was outside my door, talking to Chris who was probably throwing up in the bathroom again. I couldn't hear anything that he was saying, but mum was goign on with "Get to bed. Don't say things like that to me. Now!"

And soon enough I dropped off again.

The next morning (This morning) I came downstairs to eat my breakfast and found mum sitting at the table eating hers.

"I heard Chris last night."

"I didn't get up at first, since he was just throwing up, but when I got up to go to the toilet later I saw that his light was still on."

"He went to sleep with his light on?"

"He went to sleep in the bathroom."

"What!?"

"Yeah. I tried to get him to go to bed, but he was f-ing and blinding at me."

"Does he remember it?"

"No, he was still drunk. But I popped in this morning and told him that we needed to have a discussion."

"That doesn't sound to good."

And of course, I'll be eavesdropping outside the door. Just to see if it sounds good or not.

"Cathouse girl."

Saturday, September 10, 2005
And I sit here, finally, after about a week of not posting anything worthwhile.

I finally have some stories to tell, and lots of time to tell them in.

Lets begin, as tradition, with the beginning.

So I got up on Saturday morning, and dressed myself up. I actually took some time to get ready, I picked out clothes and made myself look smart. I was even trying out a new hairstyle that day. I slipped on my brand new green cons and headed downstairs to see if I could score a lift to the the train station.

"Go get your breakfast first!"

So I poured out my cereal and went to get the milk out of the fridge. However it was stuck in the shelf so i had to yank it out. The shelf collapsed, sending numerous items to the floor. One of which was a tomato ketchup bottle which promptly exploded when it hit the floor. Chris and mum ran in.

"The floor!" Mum shouted.

"My bag!" Chris exclaimed, looking at his sauce-splattered bag.

"MY SHOES!" I screamed as I looked at my perfectly green cons covered in red tomoato sauce. I rushed to clean them up, and I did mostly. I only have a slightly darkened patch on my used-to-be-perfectly-white laces.

So I headed out, and me and my friends headed into Glasgow. By the time we got in I had about an hour before I was meeting someone, so I wanted to have lots of fun before I walked off to an afternoon doomed to awkwardness of the silent type.

And we did have fun. We hung out in Borders and read jokes from joke books to each other. There were a few good ones that I need to remember to be honest. I know, I'm a sucker for a good joke.

The time passed on, and I had to be at the train station. So we went, and I met up with her.

Marie.

Cathouse girl.

Oh shit.

"Hi there! You look great! Yeah, this is Maddy, Rebecca and you remember Jeff. Ok, lets go."

And we talked. We talked all the way up to the cinema. It was fun. Like, really fun.

Time had gone and pissed off for the day, my quick wit took over and I was sitting pretty.

So I bought the tickets and we walked around Glasgow some more before settling down in George Square. We were sitting together, just talking but getting closer and closer and closer until I had her in my arms.

And we kissed.

And forty minutes later, after lying on the grass in George Square, we headed to the cinema to see Red Eye.

This is usually the point where I give you a quick review of the film, saying whether it's any good or not. But to be honest, I didn't watch enough to really like or dislike it.

Hell yes.

My train was due to leave in five minutes, and I asked the question. And she agreed to be my girlfriend.

Hell fucking yes.

I saw her next on Monday. We were heading into Glasgow to go to the Glasgow Uni open day that was going on. And she was standing by Tie Rack, a pretty little smile on her face, and my knees went weak.

Yes, I do really like this girl.

But I think I offended someone.

We walked around Glasgow Uni for about an hour before giving up and returning to Glasgow town to walk about and shop. It was a lot of fun. Lots of talking, walking and basically pissing about.

The train home wasn't bad either. I sat across from Rebecca and Jeff with Clare sitting beside me.

"Joe!" Clare exclaimed as I sat down. "I had forgotten what you looked like!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you had Marie stuck to your face for most of the day..."

"Really?" Rebecca asked.

"Yeah," she answered, "they were even at it in the middle of the street at one point."

"More than one." Jeff added.

I laughed along with them before going into plans about our cinema outing on Wednesday and about how I might have offended the person.

Wednesday night was a good laugh. We saw the "40 year old virgin". It's quite good, and extremely funny at some bits. Me and Cara had a go at the Tekken5 arcade machine round back.

Of course I kicked her ass.

Before we left all six of us (Me, Jeff, Mad, Laura, Cara and Rebecca) piled into a photo-booth and tried to get a good picture of all of us. It turned out pretty good, but only five pics came out and I gave mine up so other people can have them.

Yes, flood me with emails of how I'm a nice guy.

Or not.

Saturday rolled around in a flash and before I knew it I was back in Glasgow with Marie.

We headed to Dixons so they could replace the CD player that "mysteriously broke" the day before. They went through the whole ordeal of looking through my papers and asking me loads of questions before telling me that I had forgotten to bring the charger with me.

That wasn't a watse of time at all.

We went to the cinema again. The film wasn't so bad, but it wasn't too good either...

Yes, I didn't watch most of it, again.

But a bad thing happened near the end of the day...

We were sitting on some steps and... you know. Well, out of the corner of my eye I saw this guy walking really slowly by us. I realised that he was kind of looking at us and stuff, but I ignored it and continued on. Next time I checked, he was kinda standing behind Marie, but he looked as though he was walking straight on, so I ignored it again. Soon after that I had to go, so we got up and started to walk to the train station.

"Joe, where's my phone?"

"What?"

"Where's my phone?!"

It had been nicked. We talked to some Swedish backpackers and they said that the man came up to us really really close while we were kissing. They thought he was mentally disabled so they left him alone. By the time we got a full description out of him half an hour had passed and he was long gone. SO I consoled Marie before jumping on the train home.

She gave me her home phone number and I spent a few hours talking to her last night.

It was an amazing day.

An amazing week more like it.

"Sorry guys."

Thursday, September 08, 2005
Finally! A post is being written!

BUT NO! I hath ran out of time to post ANYTHING!

Bloody hell this place is going down. I swear that I'll post good and proper tomorrow. Seriously, I stake my Lapdancer on it.

Sorry guys.

Again.

"Hell fucking yes."

Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Hell fucking yes.

"This'll be a good weekend."

Friday, September 02, 2005
I love Fight club.

Seriously.

On the outside it may look like nothing more than a guys bloody and violent beat-em-up, but it is really a deep look into the state of man.

And the twist at the end is bloody brilliant.

Today was an alright day.

Except for the bitch in Virgin Megastores.

We walk in and start browsing the new releases for DVDs. I'm just satnding there looking at the Ring2 when a lady comes over to us.

"Shouldn't you be in school?"

"Well we've got a free period."

"Well sorry, but you'll have to leave the store."

"What? Why?"

"I'm not going to serve you. You should spend this time studying or something."

"Fine."

Clare was pissed off about it though. She went over to customer services and complained. We even got the lady's name and posistion. She's gonna regret messing with us no-good punk teenagers.

Regret it goooood.

I'm going out tomorrow, but I don't know what film to see. I want to see a scary one for obvious reasons, but there's nothing over a 12A. Meaning a crapfest all round.

Though to be honest, I don't have to be the scared one. That's not the whole point of scary films.

I'm hoping this blog doesn;t turn cryptic. I'm in the mood for real posting, but I'm afraid I'm too tired to make sense.

This'll be a good weekend.

Hopefully it'll turn into a fantastic one.

"You are not your fucking khakis."
Tyler - Fight Club

"Yeah, you heard me right."

Thursday, September 01, 2005
On a side note, I'd like to bring your attention to something.

Now, I don't particularly know this person really well, or at all really, but she is a really wonderful person. And I'd like to thank her for giving me fantastically written stories about her life.

Jules, this one goes out to you.

This woman is one of the very few people who kept me sane during the long days of work. With her hilarious accounts of bus rides to the complexities of pirates in the workplace. I urge every single person who reads this blog to go over to her site and read hers.

Trust me, it's infinitely better than this one.

So it is with great pleasure that I add another link to my side bar, just to share it with the random blog readers that plauge this site.

And I will personally ass rape any flamers on her site with my straightners.

Yeah, you heard me right.

"Vengeance shall be mine!"

Over six pounds in a day.

That would be the equivalent of texts I've sent. It's true. I bought a fifteen pound top-up on tuesday, and as of yesterday night I spent over six pounds of it.

Sixty texts. All to one person.

Makes you think.

I was in the entire day today. I only had one free period, but it wasn't all bad.

English was the same as it always is. We read through some more of Jeykll and Hyde before discussing it. Though there was a weird thing that happened.

"Miss, is it true that some teacher got hit in the head with a dictionary?" Someone asked.

"Yes."

"Really?" Monica said, "Which one?"

"Oxford." I replied in total unison with another guy in the class. Everyone erupted in laughter, but we soon went back to work.

That wasn't the weirdest part though.

I had a free period next, and it was spent in our little nook in the crush area surrounded by many friends. We were just talking about random topics for the entire time and occasionally I ducked down into my pocket to grab my phone and text Marie. Just before the period ended the guy from my English class came along and started talking with us. The topic moved about a lot, including a discussion of:

"Flash! Aaaaaaah! Master of the universe!"

"Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun."

But it eventually got onto ages. And Gary (The guy from my English class) says, "Well, I'm still sixteen."

"Really? Is ickle Gary only sixteen? When's your birthday?"

"Uhh.... It's January. I had to think about it there."

"Yeah? What date?"

"Thirteenth."

I sat up with a start. "You have got to be fucking kidding me." I said.

"No, why?"

"That's my birthday."

Creepy huh?

The bell rang and I headed off to RE. The session wasn't bad to be honest. We spent most of the time discussing what we believe in and what we don't believe in. For example, the Tooth Fairy. I think Ms Glen has taken a shine to John though. He's the one who's really into philosophical discussions (Even more than me), so I think he'll really enjoy the class.

Graphics wasn't bad either. My orthographic drawing of the remote control turned out pretty well, and at the end of the class my teacher (I still don't know his name) looked through my CD collection. Needless to say he didn't like any of it, except for NOFX's Punk in Drublic CD. He liked the name of that a lot.

Lunch was pretty uneventful.

Drama was alright. We sorted out all our scenes for the Unit test, and I don't even get beaten up anymore. I'm a wife beater for one of the scenes though.

Vengeance shall be mine!

I headed home, and that was me for the day.

Apart from my never ending text session with Marie. I've never had such an expensive conversation...