Sleepwalking my way through life: August 2005



"A good long while filled with silence and a numb ass."

Wednesday, August 31, 2005
It was the most boring day ever today.

Well, mostly.

I was in the first two periods today, double graphics. It wasn't bad. I spent the period drawing an old remote control from an old tv.

"So Joseph. You chosen your thematic presentation (Project) yet?"

"Yeah, it's this here." I say as I show him the remote.

"Jeez. This is a relic. Is this one of the first remote controls?" He asked jokingly.

"You're not far off it, sir."

He laughed and started to pry it open with his fingers, but it wouldn't budge. "Is this glued on or something?"

"Most likely. If I can't pull it apart then I'll just smash it with a hammer."

He recoiled from me, a look of horror upon his face. "Never!" He said. "I'll never let you destroy such a beautiful antique!"

I hoped to God he was kidding.

The bell signifying the end of break rang, and my friends dissapated around me and I found myself alone with my music and my writing pad. This wasn't a bad thing in itself, seeing as I have a story that I'm itching to write and haven't started yet. But I hadn't put pen to pad when Jason came along. He was alone as well and wanted to go to the Murray shops for food and me, being the nice guy that I try to be, went with him.

We met up with Mark, a guy with long blonde hair, and he decided to join us in our trek to the shops. Him and Jason spent the entire time discussing metal bands, so I spent most of my time in silence as I re-wrote the story in my head over and over again. It's getting pretty good if I don't say so myself. All I need to do is write it down.

We headed back up to school soon enough and hung about in our usual area for a good long while. A good long while filled with silence and a numb ass.

"Alright then?"

I looked up to see what looked like a third year talking to us. I knew better though. This girl was a sixth year who is a right pain in the ass. And since my ass was already smarting from the wooden bench I decided to ignore her.

"Is non of yous not gonnae answer?"

"Alright then." Jason finally said.

"Fine then. Hey do you straighten your hair?" She said to Mark. "Hey man! You straighten your hair or what?"

"No, it's natural."

"Lucky bastard." She said as she walked into the girls toilets. There was another silence after that, but that was soon broken by a very disturbing sound.

We heard her. We heard her. Everything was silent and we heard it from all the way outside the toilet. Loud and clear.

Needless to say we started giggling.

Then full laughter broke out when the toilet had trouble flushing. And we were styill laughing as she stepped out of the bathroom. She looked at us with a sneer on her face.

"What yis laughing at?"

We laughed even harder. She asked again and I composed myself enough to say "Jason here just told a great joke."

"Really? Then what was it?"

We laughed again.

I missed English that afernoon. I couldn't be bothered hanging around for it again, so I went home with Maddy and Laura. We had fun.

I spent the rest of the day texting Marie. And that, my friends, has been a lot of fun.

So until next time, I bid you farewell.

"But that, unfortunately, won't be tonight."

Tuesday, August 30, 2005
I know my blogs have been very crappy recently, and I apologise for that.

Lots of things have been happening. And I know that that should usually be a reason to write more blogs, but I haven't. So within the next few days I'm hoping to rectify that and post some more, easily readable, blogs.

But that, unfortunately, won't be tonight.

I'll probably spend a good while updating this tomorrow. But until then I'm off.

I am in such a good mood though.

"Those seconds of silence. That is where my terror lies."

Saturday, August 27, 2005
I am terrified.

I sit here in my livingroom, my Lapdancer sitting comfortably between my legs, and a vibrating phone brings entertainment to an uneventful evening.

As another message is recieved it rumbles its way over the leather couch before being snapped up by my ready hand. I automatically flip it open and my fingers speedily press a sequence of buttons before I pause. I read the message, smile at its content and dial the reply with a spark in my eye as I think of something witty to say.

I finish the message and re-read it before sending it on its merry way through the air to the opposing phone. I return to the Lapdancer, pushing her buttons to create pleasing results. I am almost totally distracted when the phone goes off again, making its attempted escape from my grasp.

I snap it up again and read the message. The pause is longer as I double check what was said. My heart beats a touch faster and my brain goes blank. But only for a moment. Soon I am back to replying and the message is sent within seconds.

Those seconds of silence. That is where my terror lies.

Do not take the following as big-headedness. I, and many others, know this fact to be true. And I will share it with the world.

I am not really who I am on here.

On here, I am witty, intelligent, and charming. On here I can be the nicest man you will ever meet. I understand, I debate, I plan. I can do almost anything you want.

My secret?

Time.

When on here I can take all the time I want to answer questions, comments, and general conversation. With this precious time I formulate the perfect answers. With this time I make myself likeable.

But there is a downside.

"Where should we meet?"

Those words chill my soul. For I know where they lead.

I meet them, I be myself, but I'm not the person they knew. They expected the person they talked to on the internet. Instead they get a cheap knock off.

I've created something I can't live up to.

"I'm in way over my head."

The morning after.

A false statement if I ever wrote one.

The afternoon after.

Not the same ring, but it's the truth.

I have a meeting tomorrow. Do I want it? Of the two paths, one looks less and less appealing with each second.

I can avoid one path easily enough. But another isn't gone yet, it lingers on the edge of sight, ready to unblock itself from passage.

I'm in way over my head.

Dutch courage isn't really courage. Dutch courage is stupidity that gets things done.

You fucked things up now. I'm fucking kicking.

The universe has an awfully twisted sense of humor. I agree, under different circumstances this would be hilarious.

But these are my fucking circumstances.

Nice guys finish last. Really? For truthsies?

I'm going to be lucky if I goddamn finish.

"Cryptic blogs are us."

A problem has been solved.

Or has it?

Cheesey horror endings suck. But this ending isn't horror. This ending can't end, it never began.

But I'm alright.

Cryptic blogs are us.

I was out. I was out and happy, but their nails have found a hold on my ankles. They're trying to drag me back in. To kick off, or sink?

That is the fucking question now.

My friends are like dice. And I saw another face of a few of them today.

I wish I could roll again.

Hugging Heather on the way out of the party, I whispered "Sorry." into her ear. She'll neither remember the sentiment nor the reason. I still feel bad.

I wonder about my past, and I fear for the future. But I know that whatever will happen, will happen.

Mystery solved, Watson.

Did I dodge a bullet today? Now there are only two paths to take.

Enney meeney miney mo.

"John is trying to disprove God again."

Thursday, August 25, 2005
"Today I offer up myself to this, I'm living for my dying wish.
I give it all.
There's a reason we give it all."

Rise Against - Give it all



Odd update today.

I was reading a horoscope today.

Sure, it was in a ladies magazine, but that's not the point.

It's pretty much true. Freaky huh? And I don't mean "Yeah, that's what happened." it was a "This is spookily creepy" sort of thing. Weird.

John is trying to disprove God again.

He's already done it once, but he's forgotten how he did it, so he's going to try again to see if he can shake our RE teacher's faith. Yes I agree, it would be funny, but he's already destroyed my faith once and I really don't want him to do it again. I think I'm going to have fun debating in RE.

But Ms Glen, Philosophy has nothing to do with God! You want theology!

Like I said, lots of fun.

I bought a box today. I knocked down glasses and almost had to sell my soul to pay for it, but I bought it.

Yes, I would sell my soul for a box that costs three pounds.

Getting mugged is a lot more fun than some people describe it. I got to die many times today, and breathe in peoples faces. But I think the girls enjoyed kicking me a little too much. Especially Hannah. She didn't even have to kick me, but she showed the others how to do it.

Several times.

"This is Bob. Bob has man-tits."

I still need to watch that film. John won't mind if I give it back to him on Monday. Well, he probably won't.

John and I have become better friends recently. Talking more and stuff. It's fun, he's a cool guy.

I miss drawing and writing. I haven't done anything since summer and I'm itching to draw something good.

Too bad I suck so badly.

I still need to draw and write birthday presents. I feel bad that I haven't. They say that it's fine, and they can wait, but they're disappointment is loud and clear.

It makes me feel bad.

I'm still confused, but I think I can manage it.

I think.

I was talking to someone yesterday. They kept trying to trick me into saying something. Did I take the bait?

Hell no.

Listen, you need to decide things for yourself. Yes, I know what the question was, and I know what the answer is. But I can't decide it for you. No one is going to come up, slap you and tell you what the right answer is.

No matter how much I want someone to.

"Truth. Lies. And all that other bullshit."

Tuesday, August 23, 2005
I have a lot of things to think about.

Fuck, I really have a lot of things to think about.

Truth. Lies. And all that other bullshit.

I hate it all.

Thanks for the phrase Jules.

The past two weeks have been fantastic and terrible at the same time.

Help? No, I don't need it. I'll get through.

"Cara"

Monday, August 22, 2005
A change of scenery today, for the first time in ages I'm blogging from INSIDE the school. But this is sort of like a pre-recorded blog for today, seeing as the crappy school doesn't have bloody wireless internet connection. I mean, they should get one in, you know.

Just for me.

Anyway, since this blog is really quite different today, I'm going to do a guest blog. Yes, for the first time in over two years and two hundred and thirty-something posts, I'm going to hand this over and let someone else type this for me. So, may I introduce...

Cara Droy


Hellooooooooooooo :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
haha :P i requested a blog about me not to do one myself. but this is just as brilliant :)
I was going to EAT joe this morning because he was LATE and i was BORED in dramahhh :P he didnt appear till break time the big biotch :P hehe. but he brought his laptop so i decided not to eat him :P hurrah :D
emm...the weekend has been ok.
WORKING alll the time :( but im majorly bummed out because i missed Joes on saturday night. My mummy is mean and said i wasnt allowed to go because i didnt know him that well, where he lived or what he was like. so i am going to find out everything about him just to annoy her and make her let me go to his next partttayyyy heehee :P
work has been okay for me- got m new uniform through which is a horrible purple coloured shirt and a black suit. i look like a fannnyyyy :P
i have another little thing to say
ITS MY BIRTHDAY IN FIVE DAYS!!!!!
heehee :D i cannot wait to be old :P heh.
Im getting a digital camera- i bought it off the internet yesterday morning- with mummys money obv :p

I have apologised to Joe and others for how shitty my school is, and how bad i feel about them having to come here. ha. my school is such a hole.

This morning in drama i had such an EXCITING time. I wrote about.......
wait for it....
COT DEATH AND CANCER :O
woahh...you can tell im depressing cant you???
anyway
Joe is my wee Emo boy.
Dan shoved something of his in Joes mouth that hasnt quite been defined yet. all i know is Dan really enjoyed it- but felt the effects of his drunkeness the next morning.....hrmmmm.....i wonder what I could be thinking :):):)

At the start of last week, Becca was the only person i knew from St Brides....now its totally different....heres my days and people...

Tuesday- Jennifer, Clare.
Wednesday- Maddy, Joe, John (SIZE 16 FEET!)
thursday- Laura ( properly)
friday- Dan :D

i cannot believe i was actually looking forward to coming to school this morning- sad- but true. im just happy to be getting away from the old people. not that i dont like them- just that five years is enough of them for me.

I am sitting here with dan, joe, john and Ian :) tis fun :) were talking about jekyll and hyde...well they are...im sitting typing like a big fat dork.

anyway..
ill finish with saying
IIITTTS MYYYYY BIRTTTHHHDAAAYYY ONNN SATTTURRDDAYYYY :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
and Joe is my favourite wee emo boy :P

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <333



This blog was recorded infront of a live audience.

"Hopefully."

Sunday, August 21, 2005
I had a fun weekend.

An update will follow tomorrow. I fucking swear on my Lapdancer this time.

I still need to send the damn text.

Yes, I am slightly freaking out about something. I really don't know what to do. Well, I know what to do, but I don't know how to do it.

Like I said people, tomorrow.

I'd like to apologise for the lack of any intelligent updates for the past few days. I've been really busy with things, but hopefully it'll calm down after this week.

Hopefully.

Tomorrow. I swear on it.

"It was going to be one hell of a year."

Thursday, August 18, 2005
It looked desolate to say the least. The bus had pulled up to the school and unceremoniously dropped us off at the brink before speeding away. I stood there - Jeff and Rooney by my side - gazing up in wonder at the three story tower that would occupy most of my time for the next year. The crowd, with faces both familiar and foreign, flowed into it while the chill from the wind told me to do the same.

I pushed through the doors and scanned the room for friendly faces, moving through the surreal groups towards the other side of the room with Jeff and Rooney coming close behind me. Before I knew it I was being nudged along, caught in an undercurrent by the sea of people as they traveled through some more doors and into a separate building in the back. I found myself in a large green hall filled with occupied seats and many people shuffling impatiently at the back. The teachers stood up front, as if on a stage where they would perform for the assembled.

They rattled off the mandatory start of school speech. After every paragraph the hall would be filled with a few whispers of conversation before avalanching into the hissing roar as everyone fought to be heard. A few shouts from the Deputy Head temporarily remedied this problem and calm was restored, if not for a short while.

Little by little the hall emptied as each pupil was assigned a class to go to, and eventually I was reached. Advanced English was to go to History Room 305 for the last ten minutes of the period. Some of us saw no point and wandered off to explore the school some more, but I was curious about who our teacher was going to be so I hopped buildings and climbed the long steps to the class.

A few people were already in there, Daniel and Emma included, and I took a seat as the teacher came in with a cheery voice and beaming smile. She was a nice change to the cold, hard faced teachers that occupied the hall not a few minutes earlier. But we only had enough time to write our names for the register before being dismissed by the bell. I headed back down the stairs and into the wide open room that I had entered at the beginning of the day. This room was later going to be known to me as the "Crush", the main meeting point from now on.

While most people set off to their respective classes, I had a free period so I decided to meet up with some people and explore the school. Jeff was staring at one of the walls, trying to figure out what subject to switch. I joined her, before realising I myself needed to change my subjects to something more to my liking. I pulled her over to a small window based into the wall where the Reception was located. The lady told us that we needed to talk to our guidance teacher, or at least Ms Rooney to switch. And since I still needed a tie I bought one from her, and on an impulse I also bought the new Homework Diary. Something which I regretted soon after as it was no use at all to me.

We walked the almost silent corridors looking for Mr Nelson, but Ms Rooney changed it for us, seeing as we ran into her first. She sat back in her chair with a sigh before giving me a long speech about crashing my subjects and the repercussions for University. I told her, with a smug look on my face, that I already knew all about the application process, and exactly what I needed. She was slightly taken aback, but she agreed to change my subjects for me.

The bell rang symbolising break. I leaned against a wall talking to Jeff as the crowd of people bustled around us again, heaving and crashing and surging through the room. Friends arrived and gathered round to talk and discuss of their adventures so far. I listened to each of them, but my mind was wandering away down the corridor to my Drama classroom. I was in it next period, and before long the bell rang out and I nudged my way through the crowd.

The class was different from what I expected. I wasn't sure what I expected, maybe something that was slightly more like a classroom. But this was quite different. It was dark, a cold blue deepened the room with three windows, all of which were covered over in bland black shades. I felt a sudden twist in my stomach as realisation came over me. I was alone in this class. As far as I had known, none of my friends had chosen this subject with me. I felt as though I would be ignored for the year, adrift as an outcast.

"Hi, are you taking Higher Drama?"

"What?" I said, looking up at three girls who were staring down at me, the one in the middle was the only one talking.

"You're taking Higher Drama, right?"

"Yeah, I'm crashing it."

"Oh thank God, we have a boy in the class!"

"Huh?"

"Well, last year all the girls had to do boy parts and everything. It was horrible. Oh, by the way, I'm Hannah."

"Joe." I replied, shaking her outstretched hand.

And so I had met Hannah, my friend in the class. She was great, and really fun to talk to and funny too. She would soon confess to me her unholy love for all things Eddie Izzard, and when she first met me she thought my name was Jew but she didn't want to call me that because she thought I'd be offended. The fact that I thought her name was Lana is beside the point.

Nothing much happened in Drama. The teacher went over the basic course with us before the bell went. And with a goodbye to my new friend I headed out the school and towards the town centre. I had no classes for the rest of the day.

I looked back at the school just before I left. Looking up and down the cold, bland buildings and let out a short sigh.

It was going to be one hell of a year.

Sorry, but due to lack of time I will have to cut this short. Be sure to look for an update on Saturday.

So long.

"I hope I remember it all."

Wednesday, August 17, 2005
I'm in my living room now. And my back still kinda hurts, even though I'm on a comfy couch.

Where was I?

Ah yes....

Well, the salesman who sold us the Lapdancer and Chris' laptop gave us some great deals and extras. We got free carrying bags, free data sticks, buy one get one free on anti-virus, free wirless router and a free game (Battle for Middle Earth). He was really great about it too, and we walked out of there with lots of boxes in our arms.

I spent the rest of the day setting it up and doing my ironing.

Monday was supposed to be spent cleaning my room, but I got a call from Maddy and Jeff so I decided to go out instead. I know, a bad decision but I had fun. They came back to my house afterwards and we spent most of our time on the internet and talking to people. Twas alright.

After they left I spent lots of time setting up and playing Half-Life2. It's such an amazing game, but it's still a bit jittery so I'll need to sort that out before I really start playing it properly.

And I have to come off again.

Dammit, I need to type these faster....

Anyway, my story of the first day at school will have to wait. I hope I remember it all.

Until next time.

"No, no! Duck! LEON! NOOOOOOOO!"

Tuesday, August 16, 2005
My back is killing me.

I'm sitting in my room, trying to get comfortable with the Sextop (Or the Lapdancer, I haven't decided on a nickname yet). My back is against the wall while I'm sitting on the bed, and it's killing me.

But enough about that. Lets talk about the past few days....

Friday was my last day at work. And I was so happy to see it arrive. My plan went off without a hitch and I ran out of the office before anyone could notice I was gone. I strolled down the street and felt that I needed a treat, seeing as it was my last day of work and all.

I took out forty pounds from my bank account and walked into Game intent on buying Killer7. But the lady at the counter wanted ID that I was over eighteen so I couldn't get it. So I ran up to Gamestation to get Resident Evil 4 before bolting down to the station to catch my train. I wouldn't be able to play it till later that night since I was goign out.

I headed to Jeffs house for the night. We didn't really want to go to the Key, and since she has relaxed parents then we stayed at hers for a bit. It was fun. We watched tv, talked, and they had alchohol. Twas good fun.

I played Resident Evil 4 that night. It is fucking amazing. It's like I'm playing an action film, and i looks so nice and the story sounds really good too. And I get to play as Leon! Leon is my favourite character from the Resident Evil series to be honest...

On Saturday I spent most of the time relaxing and playing Resi 4.

Sunday was good though. Very good.

I was playing Resident Evil 4 and dying for the millionth time on a boss when my mum came over.

"No, no! Duck! LEON! NOOOOOOOO!"

"Right, I'm sick of paying for this broadband and not using it. Come on. We're going to pc world to get you laptops."

"Great!"

So we went to pc world. And that's where I fell in love. Originally I was goign to get a cheap laptop that could play my games, and that was all. But then I saw this beauty. The Lapdancer. It's just so nice looking and sexy...

Ah shit, I have to come off now. I need to make more time to write these damn posts...

Watch this space.

"This is going to be a fun year."

Monday, August 15, 2005
Good evening.

Today would be the last day of my summer holidays. But it is also, technically, my first day. But this post is not to lament my summer wasted inside an office, for school starts tomorrow, and I would much prefer to dwell on that.

St.Andrews. My final year of high school is on a foreign land, one which I have never set foot in. Although this land will hold most of my friends, it is also the home of many strange and new people.

This is going to be a fun year.

And the funniest thing is that I haven't chosen my subjects yet. In twelve hours school will begin, and I haven't a clue on what I'm studying. I have a few ideas. Drama Higher, for one thing. That subject has been the only consistent thing in my mind. I have also decided to take Graphics Higher, seeing as it is good fun and I don't really want to abandon Laura and James to a classroom full of fifth years. I'm still undecided with my final subject.

Advanced Higher English. A great class. Sounds like great fun and really interesting to do, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle the work load. But if I buckle down and do all my work, I think I'll manage. And my final mark doesn't really matter to be honest.

Geography Higher. This is an easy subject. So easy, in fact, that I'm almost guaranteed an A in it. But it is unbelievably boring. You sit there, for the entire period, and memorise facts that you write down, then re-write. I've heard rumours of pupils even dying in mid-class. But if I do take it then I could perservere and stay alive for the year. The final mark would be worth it.

Or I could re-take Computing. It's a fun subject that I'm confident that I'll do well in, and lots of my friends are taking it. But that depends if I'm allowed to appeal for my result.

On actually writing it down (And essentially, saying it aloud) I've actually decided what to do. Drama, Graphics, and AH English. I'm dead set on that.

I apologise greatly at the moment. I've spent too much time playing Half-Life 2 and Resident Evil 4 (Yes, I cracked and bought them) that I don't have enough time to update properly. I'll try to update as soon as possible.

Stay tuned folks.

"And I feel so fucking special."

Sunday, August 14, 2005
Look everyone. It's a sunday.

I'm updating on a sunday. Which means I'm not at work or at school. But what does this mean? I hear you cry with panic and fear in your voices. Is he at a friends house? Has he stolen a pc? Is he using his amazingly sexy mind to porject his thoughts onto the internet?

God I wish the last one was true.

But no, I have in my hands (Or more accurately, lap) the sexiest laptop to ever grace my room. You heard right people, he's updating in his room. He's updating in a whole new part of the house!

I may even be in the livingroom tmorrow....

Anyway, not much time before I have to go. We bought laptops today, and I love them so much. I have a laptop. It's mine.

Anyway, I have to go now. So I'll update tomorrow.

And I feel so fucking special. Not for the laptop, but for what someone said to me.

Fuck yes, I am special.

"The plan was back on."

Friday, August 12, 2005
He sat back in his chair, relaxed and almost content with the world. Work was slow and easy, the office was comfortably warm and the radio played a song that, despite the heavy clouds outside, brought him the feel of summer. A glance at the clock told him that there was only half an hour left before he had to go. Half an hour before he was free.
His head felt heavy, but that didn't matter. I few minutes in the refreshing coolness of outside would cure that, and besides, it was slightly pleasant. He let his eyes drift open and shut lazily, and he stretched out his legs under the desk. He was almost cat-like in movement.
The manager hadn't collected him after lunch. He had been sitting there, doing his work and expecting the manager to come along at any moment and tell him what to do. But when he arrived at his desk, his agenda had changed.

"Sorry Joe, looks like it's not gonna happen."

"Fine," Joe had said. "It's ok, I've still got work here to do."

"That's good then." The manager replied before taking off.

The plan was back on.

Joe's hand reached slowly down into his backpack and there was the rustle of a plastic bag as he felt around the inside, searching for something. His hand landed on a box and a small smile spread across his face. He was originally going to email the whole office to tell them of his parting gift, but not knowing all their names he decided to tell the select few who he had contacted throughout his five weeks here.

Five weeks? He thought.

It felt like last week. The nervousness, almost terror he had felt when he walked through the door, uncertain if it was the right building or not. He had gathered up every ounce of courage he had to ask for help, and he had braced himself to be shouted down when he did. But, thankfully, he had been wrong. Warm friendly faces had met him, and relief swept the fear out of his body but leaving the cold sweat on his skin.

And so it had begun.

He sat forward with a start. The warmth had relaxed him too much, sending him into a light sleep. He was safe, only a few minutes had passed, but while he was out of it some more work had been made for him.

"No rest for the wicked," he murmered, as he returned to his work.

"Errr, perfectly legally of course."

Hmm.

It's my last day at work today. I was hoping to sneak out quietly when I left, but I don't suppose that's going to happen now.

My original plan was to type up and email saying that there are some sweets by the fax machine, then I would address it to everybody in my part of the office. But I wouldn't send it. I would then go over to the fax machine and fax my pay-slip to Hudson while sneakily putting the box of celebrations on the desk. Then when the fax is sent and I'm back at my desk, I send the email and get my ass out of there as fast as I could without looking suspicious.

But it looks like that plan is out the window.

I was sitting at my desk doing my work when Stewart, one of the managers, came over.

"Joe, is it true that this is your last day?"

"Yeah, where'd you hear it from?"

"Hazel. Where you gonna tell us?"

"Not really."

"Ah. Ok then, give me two minutes." He then went away for a few minutes before coming back and saying, "Well Joe since this is your last day you can have a change."

"Oh?"

"Not right now, but after lunch could you head over to IT with Owen? Just give me a shout and I'll introduce you."

"Great. Thanks."

"See you later."

"Ok."

I'm suspicious... Every once in a while round here people gather around some one who's sitting at a desk, say some things, give them something and then clap. I've never been close enough to hear if it was for leaving or just for a birthday, but I hope it's for birthdays.

But what could I do in the IT section? They don't know about any of my skills apart from typing. And I'm even stretching that as a skill. I mean, I know I can type at the speed of sound and all that, but I make so many spelling mistakes on the way it isn't funny. I've reassessed my typing technique and I've discovered that my left hand moves faster than both my right hand and my brain. It types things before I can even think them.

Creepy huh?

Anyway, they don't know any of my other computing skills. Apart from my proficiency with a spreadsheet and average capabilities at photoshop and VisualBasic.

So I'm very suspicious now.

And I'm annoyed at the radio's that are being played throughout the office. There are three being played. One through a digital radio, one through a regular radio and one through the internet. There are different time delays between each radio, so I often end up hearing different parts of the same song mixed together. Usually it gets drowned out as white noise, but sometimes it can be damn irritating.

I emailed my dad this morning, saying that the cost of the laptop should go fifty-fifty, 'cause that's what he said he'd do. And with mum paying the other half, all I need to get are accessories (A mouse namely) and games. Maybe even a few programs too (I'm desperate to try and make a Flash Cartoon), though I might just download them.

Errr, perfectly legally of course.

I'm considering buying myself a game this afternoon. Resident Evil 4 looks pretty tempting to be honest. Plus, I really need to buy a game. Do you know that the last time I bought a game was almost a year ago? That stops me from being a gamer!

And I like being a gamer!

So I might buy a game. I might not. It depends on my mood and if I'm late for the train or not.

I'd better go, Promap is bugging out on me at the moment and I need to fix it.

By the way, this is what I like to call an off topic post. I update, but not in the same style that I've been using recently. So... Yeah.

"One minute left."

Thursday, August 11, 2005
Five mintes to go.

I've got an odd feeling. It's the feeling you get when there's only half an hour of class left before you get to go home and relax, but time is going incredibly slow so half an hour is stretched to three hours.

I feel hot and bored out of my mind. Rechecking the same pages over and over again, desperate for an update. One minute left.

Looks like it's going to rain outside. I left my jacket at home today.

Damn.

Hmm, I thought."">"Hmm, I thought."

Lets begin again shall we?

After work on Friday I did my usual dash for the early train and managed to jump on just before the doors were closing. Thank God there were still some seats vacant, I would have died if there weren't any left. I arrived home in plenty of time to get ready for the Key that night.

When I was getting ready I watched the first episode of Read or Die. It's pretty good to be honest. The animation isn't really smooth, but the story's good, and the characters and stuff. But I still need to watch the other two episodes.

So I headed up to the Key with Laura and Maddy. It was fun. We spent a good chunk of our time there on the computers. I was busy checking up on my forums and blogs while Maddy was on MSN talking to some people. At one point in the night me and Gary decided to have some fun. While Gary grabbed Maddy's arms and held her at bay, I typed in "I want to sex you up." to some random person in a conversation. I was about to write more, but someone came up to us.

"What's going on here?" He asked while looking from me to Gary to the captive Maddy.

"I.. uh... She's having cyber sex!" I shouted, pointing at Maddy.

"Oh my god that is so disgusting I'm never going to be able to sit at that computer again and we're gonna have to burn the chair too why couldn't you have used the bucket in the corner over there or something now I'm gonna go be sick ugh and I bet the guy on the other end is jacking off too oh no now I'm really gonna be sick..."

His loud rantings actually got the attention of someone who actually works at the Key. So they came over and actually read Maddys conversation to see if she was having cyber sex. I had to bite my lip to stop myself laughing.

"So who wrote this?" The worker asked, pointing at "I want to sex you up."

Maddy pointed her finger at me. "Him!"

I threw my hands up in innocence.

"It can't be him," the worker exclaimed, "Have you heard his second name? He's too posh to write something like that."

"Damn straight." I replied. I skidaddled out of there after that seeing as how Maddy was giving me the glare of death.

Not much happened for the rest of the night.

On Saturday I went into Glasgow. I had asked mum if I could go to the Cathouse, and she had said yes. So I was excited about that. We hung about in Pizza Hut for four hours though. It took us ages to get a table for six (Me, Maddy, Laura, Alan, Oli and Liam) and ages to get served. But by the time we finished it was time to queue up for the Cathouse, so it was pretty good timing.

It took us about twenty minutes to get in, but when we were in the queue I got quite a fright. I was standing with my hands in my pockets when someone randomly hugged me from behind.

"Holyshitwhothefuckishuggingme?"

"Heya!" Heather said as I turned around, the other Heather, not Heather Heather.

"Oh hi! How've you been?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

"I haven't spoken to you in ages."

"Yeah! Where the fuck have you been?"

"My computer's buggered right now so I can't get on the net."

"Oh."

"But I should be on in the next few weeks or so."

"Good. Oh, Ross and [Insert name I've forgotten] are waiting for me. See ya!"

"Bye."

When I turned back I saw Laura giggling at me. She knows that I like Heather so she decided to give some input.

"You should pull her when we're inside!"

"I don't know if she's even going into the-"

"Seriously! All you have to do is one of your massages and you're in there! Just a small one though."

"Meh." I said.

Hmm, I thought.

We went inside and met up with Emma and Dan. Then for about an hour I did nothing. I didn't dance, I didn't sing, all I did was stand at the side and drink water. Partay animal or what? At one point Emma decided to have a go at convincing me to dance.

"Do you remember what I said to you last Hallow'een?"

I vaguely remembered her telling me that if I didn't dance then she would kick me in the balls. I nodded slightly.

"The same thing applies here as well."

And so I danced. But only for a few seconds before I felt like a twit and stood at the side again.

But with about an hour to go I started dancing. I thought I was kinda ruining it for everyone since I looked like I was glum, so I decided to dance. Before I knew it I was singing along too. Then I was screaming along.

And it was so. Much. Fucking. Fun.

I just lost myself. I was screaming, jumping, and just having fun. And then Cute without the E came on. Oh my fucking God, I went mental. Jumping, dancing, screaming my lungs out. It was just fun. Near the end I was trying to convince people to start dancing again, the same people who wanted me to dance in the first place.

I left early with Laura because I had to get an earlier train coming home otherwise mum would get angry at me. When I got onto the train I was deaf and hoarse. I could barely have a conversation with Laura on the way up. We bought some food and drink, paused to watch an old-ish man dance on the pavement with his trousers down (I had a flash of the man from the Simpsons when I saw him), and got onto the train. Then we just sat and talked for ages. I can't remember what it was about, but we talked a lot.

Near the end of the journey Scott, one of my old friends from Drama, sat down across from us and we started talking. It was fun. I was asking how life was working with an agent and he told me of all the plays he'd been in. He'd even got an extra part on Taggart and as a result of that got an audition for a film. But they said he was too tall so he wasn't for him. Still, it's pretty impressive.

We got off the train at the last stop and we said our goodbyes and he walked off while me and Laura waited for a lift.

"Joe, is Scott gay?"

"As the day is long. How'd you figure?"

"The way he spoke."

True enough, he did speak very effeminate. He is actually gay, and I thought it was funny that Laura figured it out really quickly, especially since he wanted to keep it under wraps.

On Sunday I didn't do much. Mostly cleaning about the house and doing chores and whatnot. Not very exciting.

On Monday I was swamped with work. I barely had enough time to type up an update. But when I did type it up Promap had an error and caused all my windows to close. Meaning I lost all of the post. That didn't leave me in a very good mood. Add to the fact that I had the beginnings of a cold coming on you can safely assume that it wasn't a particularly good day.

To cheer myself up I decided to buy Trigun Volume two. It's pretty good, but a bit confusing...

Tuesday. Now there was an odd day. My exam results were going through, and I was nervous as hell, as you can read earlier. The day dragged on slowly as I desperately waited for four o'clock to arrive. The day even got longer when I received texts of my friends results. And I had a lot of work piled onto me as well, but I did them slowly and with no effort.

Four o'clock finally rolled around and I breathed a sigh of relief as I jumped out the office. I ran as fast as I could towards the train station in an attempt to catch a really early train. However I had just missed it so I had to walk around until the next train came, which I almost missed because I wasn't looking at the time.

When I arrived at the train station I had this overwhelming feeling of dread. My results were at home, and I didn't want to open them. I knew I had failed everything and I didn't want to confirm that knowledge. When I got in I didn't open it for ten minutes. I sat on the couch drinking an Irn Bru, completely ignoring the white letter on the table. But I cracked.

When I saw my results I sat on the couch for about twenty minutes doing nothing. I must have been in shock, or perhaps the feeling of dread hadn't dissipated yet. But then my thought kicked in. Is this it? Is this all you were worried about? Yeah ok, what next? What do you do now?

Mum came in soon afterwards, and we decided to celebrate by getting pizza for dinner. After I was full enough I suddenly started getting a lot happier about my marks and what it meant. I could choose any subject I want for next year (Within reason). So I could piss about or be serious.

But I still needed to decide what subjects I wanted to take.

The next day was horrible. My cold had finally reached its peak and I was suffering badly. My head was throbbing, my eyes were streaming, my throat was murder and my nose was constantly running. And to top it off they piled so much work onto me. I was literally snowed under with everything they gave me. And the day was even slower than the previous one.

But thank God it cleared up by the time I was walking home. Though something odd did happen when I was about to reach the zig-zag path.

I was merely walking along when I felt a sneeze coming on, so I covered my mouth as I did so. My hand was slightly wet, so I was about to wipe it on my shirt when I saw red. There was blood splattered all over my palm. It was then that I noticed the red hot liquid that was dripping from my nose.

I was having a nose bleed.

Luckily I had a packet of tissues that I bought that morning. But the blood was running so fast that each tissue only lasted a minute of so before becoming soaked in blood. I eventually ran out so I had to catch it all in my hands as I walked quickly up the road to my house. It stopped just as I reached the end of the path and where a main road is. People were looking out of their car windows at me and staring.

That bad huh?

I got into the house and went upstairs to clean up, but I saw Chris searching about his room.

"Heya."

"Hey. Have you seen my wallet? I'm sure it was around here somewhe- WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU?!" He exclaimed, looking at my face.

"Yeah, I had a nose bleed. Does it look bad?"

"Looks like you've been in a fight and-"

"And won."

"You WERE in a fight?!"

"No, I'm just kidding."

I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Chris was right, it did look as though I had been in a fight. My nose and mouth were covered in blood with my chin having some smudged on. You could only see a few patches of skin on my hands, and my white t-shirt was covered in splatters.

I changed out of my clothes and Chris went out to Morrisons to get some booze for his friends that were coming over that night. I decided to iron my black trousers for work seeing as the ones I was wearing at the time were about two inches too wide for me. When I wore them I usually found my underwear at my chest with my trousers at my knees.

A painful exaggeration, I know.

Halfway through that I got a phone call from Maddy. She and Laura were delivering papers for Jeff again and she was wondering if they could come round mine for a bit to hang out since my mum was out. So I said yes, and we did. We just sat around and talked about exams and school and music and other stuff that's slipped my memory. They had to go after a while seeing as how they still had papers to deliver.

By then Chris had arrived home with his friends so I was banished to upstairs. It wasn't bad though because I got to finish my Read or Die DVD. It's actually really good. Really really good in fact. Very short, but very good. I need to watch it again sometime.

At about nine I got another phone call from Maddy. They had finished delivering their papers and they wondered if they could come round for a little longer. So they came round and we did more talking and more music-listening. They couldn't stay for long though, I had to get up early for work the next day and they had to be home by a certain time, so they left at about quarter to ten.

And today has been a very good day. Not only has it been relaxing and warm but I have little to no work to do. Meaning I can sit on here and type this mother fucking long post. But I must come off this soon. I need to write emails to people.

And bad news. My dad might not be paying for half my laptop. I sent him the link of the laptop I wanted (It's perfect) and he replied by asking if I'm going to divide the price up. Meaning how much will I pay and how much will he pay. I don't think he knows that mum wants to match his offer and she was going to pay half.

So we have a predicament that must be solved...

But that tale is for another post.

Until next time!

"More bloody work."

Wednesday, August 10, 2005
They're giving me too much damn work, so I can't update.

They keep giving me five minutes goddamn rest before giving me fifteen things to do! And I'm still bloody unwell. I've got a throbbing head, sore throat, bunged up nose, and even though it's quite cold out I won't stop bloody sweating!

I hope I come out of it soon.

I got my exam results yesterday too.

Physics: B
English: B
Computing: C
Maths: C
Chemistry: D

I'm really surprised about computing. I thought I owned that test. I must've been wrong then... But it doesn't matter, I could probably pull it up to a B with my prelim mark, and I can deffinately pull my Chemistry mark up to a C with my prelim mark.

I'm happy, it means I can piss about for most of next year. But I still need to decide what subjects I want to take....

DAMN. More bloody work.

I have to go. A longer update tomorrow, I promise!

"Stick that up your ass Cloud Strife."

Stand back people, I feel a rant coming on.

Subject of rant - Final Fantasy

Final Fantasy. The two words in conjunction would bring a spark to the eye of any gamer who has ever played the series. With thirteen official games (Two more in prouction), an anime series, a movie (One more in production) and countless numbers of fanfiction, art and games.

I love the series, but that is not the point of this rant.

After watching the E3 trailer for Final Fantasy VII again I started thinking about things. About how Squaresoft was focusing on FFVII a lot more these days. And then it hit me.

Squaresoft was no longer Squaresoft. After the ill fated Final Fantasy: Spirits Within, Squaresoft found themselves in a difficult financial situation. The film had failed to bring the profits needed to keep it afloat, so Squaresoft retired their SquarePictures unit (Only using it once after to create The Final Flight of the Osiris for the Animatrix). This is where Enix comes in. Enix bought in on half of Squaresoft and changed its name to Square Enix.

This is where the big changes began.

Squaresoft had made Final Fantasies one through nine (Including Tactics) and Square Enix took over after that. They made the moderately successful Kingdom Hearts and the hugely successful Final Fantasy X. However, FFX only succeded because it was a Final Fantasy. And although it had fantastic graphics and a decent storyline, it wasn't too well recieved among gamers.

But Square Enix, drunk on the sales figures of FFX, decided to make FFX-2. This game is , in my opinion, a crime against all things Final Fantasy. It has the same graphics and characters to the previous game, but it's lost all of its soul. Square Enix gave it a pop-culture feel, hoping that it would appeal to a much larger demographic. Alternate endings? Piss off.

It succeded, but it the sales didn't go nearly as high as FFX.

After that they made the little known FFXI. An MMORPG that includes a fantastic storyline, but it is little known to the masses.

And so we arrive on the obsession of FFVII. FFVII was widely regarded as the best game ever, being the first Final Fantasy in 3D. Square Enix have decided to suck on this fandom and create on the basis on FFVII.

They've got the poor mobile phone game Before Crisis, the feaure length film Advent Children, the spin off game Derge of Cerebus and finally, the remake of FFVII with better graphics.

Fuck I hate it.

I see the point in making a feature film, that's ok with me, but why the other two games? Before Crisis is poor in gameplay, graphics and story by only throwing in a few refernces to Cloud and the gang while focusing on the other group. And Derge of Cerebus is supposed to be a shoot-em-up staring Vincent. A FF shoot-em-up? I'd rather shoot myself thank you.

Now, about the remake of the original Final Fantasy VII. What is the point? Yes, it will have the story lines, the side-quests, the characters, the battles. But they're going to fuck it up with crappy voice acting and stuff like that.

What is the point of making it better looking? It may improve the experience, but only slightly. Maybe it's because of all the freaks out there who like to jack off to Tifas polygon chest in that scene before disk three. But now you can see her tits totally naked in amazing graphics too!

Alan almost had an orgasm when he saw the trailer for the first time. Sure, I was excited too, but I still didn't make noises like that.

Anyway, thank you Square Enix for selling out one of the greatest games of all time.

Stick that up your ass Cloud Strife.

"I tell you, I'm shitting myself."

Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Sorry, no update yet.

I'm feeling sick and crappy, and the update I did write is total bollocks so I'm going to wait till tomorrow when I'm feeling better and can post a good one.

I have a sore throat, a crapped up nose and I think I'm running a fever. It could just be the heat from outside, but by the large grey clouds I don't think it is.

Exam results are out today and I tell you, I'm shitting myself. I skipped out lunch so I could go home half an hour early. But I don't really want to open them. On the one hand, I'm excited because everyone is getting great results. For example, John has gotten four A's and a B, and Collette (My cousin) has two A's and a D. So I keep thinking if everyone else has great results then I'll have great results too.

But then on the other hand I keep thinking I've fucked it up. That I'll be the only person I know to have failed a tonne of his subjects.

These marks are the things that determine whether or not I have an easy year next year. I don't want a year of working, I want a year of skiving!

Shit, only forty five minutes until I leave!

So yeah, a proper update will be up from tomorrow.

"FUCKING PROMAP!"

Monday, August 08, 2005
FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING CHRIST.

I just had a really big update for what happened on the fucking weekend and fucking promap has a fucking error and fucking fucks it up!

Fuck it. I'll update to-fucking-morrow.

FUCKING PROMAP!


EDIT: I would like to remind any and all visitors to this site that this post from an old personal blog which was written in August 2005. I realise that people who type Promap into Google will see this website listed as a result (I am quite impressed that an old, disused blog like this can come up in the top five of an arbitrary Google search) but this post was written in the duration of my old job in which I used Promap reguarly. I have no idea on its current state of quality and therefore cannot comment, except that two years ago I used it and it crashed the computer frequently, causing me to lose posts that I spent hours neglecting my work to create. I hope it's gotten better since then. I shudder to think of all those poor office peons who's hard earned procrastination has gone to waste just because Promap has suffered a hic-cup.

Anyway, thanks for visiting my (now derelict and dusty) site.

-Joe

15/02/08

"I will savour every damn moment."

Thank you very much universe.

On the way to work today I had a smile on my face and a skip in my step. But I was knocked to the ground by a rumble at my feet. The universe had just stepped on someone, and now I'm in for it too.

This statement isn't actually fair, since I'm being selfish and seeing what's bad for me in someone elses problem. But, to to me, their problem is my problem.

I am standing in a dark room with a nothing but a large glass window that is providing the only source of light. Beyond the window is another room, bathed in a cold, glaring white light, almost too bright to see. In the centre of the room is small black, featurless body, hunched over and standing still.

It's dying inside.

The body can't hear me, can't see me, but I can hear and see it. It begins to move around, half-heartedly dragging its feet across the glaring floor. It begins to speak of its life and what it's done. I watch it as it tells its life to the empty white room, and I begin to understand.

But do I really?

It stops moving, standing stark still in the middle of the room, but it still continues speaking. It becomes more rapid, more desperate in its attempt to finish the story. The amount of information is overwhelming, the body's words are nothing more than jibberish to my ears. It's in pain.

And I can't help it.

My nose is pressed against the glass, my quickened breathing creates clouds that threaten to obscure my view, my hands pressed up against the surface as I try to push through. My breathing freezes, my eyes wide as I witness what happens. The body throws it's hands to its ears and begins to scream a heart wrenching scream. My body throws itslef against the glass, trying to get through.

But I can't.

My heart is trying to tear its way through my ribs and flesh to reach it. My lungs explode as I let out a yell. I bellow through the glass at the body. But it can't hear me.

"I'm here. I'm here."

I soon realise that its bleeding. A pool of red is contaminating the spotless white floor, spreading across the ground aroud the body. My fists pound the glass causing cracks to appear. With one last desperate attempt I throw myself through the pane and land in the pool of blood at the body's feet. I am hurt.

My pain has nothing to do with the shards of glass.

I stand up, soaked in blood and stare into the body's eyes. They're blank, lifeless.

Don't tell me I'm too late.

It falls limp and I try to catch it, but it has the consistency of air and passes through my hands. It lands with a thud on the ground, it's breathing slow and shallow. It's eyes are still glazed open as if it's dead. But it's not.

I can still help it.

And I will.

There will be a day when I have the opportunity to shove my foot into the universe's ass. And when that day comes I will savour every damn moment.

"I live at my computer."

Friday, August 05, 2005
Lunch.

It's almost like a twilight hour in the office.

In the middle of a busy office I drop my pen on the floor so I reach down to retrieve it. I resurface after a few seconds to find the office mostly devoid of people. The only indication that anyone was there is the closing door and the fading sound of chattering voices.

But I'm still here.

I'm in front of my computer, having my fill of food and just generally relaxing. Most people unwind by going to the nearest bar, having a few jars to make them merrier after a long morning of work. But not me. I unwind by browsing through sites, updating my blog, even putting on a few tunes on if I feel like it.

I live at my computer.

Pathetic right? Not to me.

I live in my own internet world, with internet friends, internet lives, internet everything. Sometimes I prefer the net to real life. You have an infinite compendium of knowledge all infront of you, all accessible with the touch of a button or the click of a mouse. You can befriend thousands of people who live in other countries, some who are even better than most of your real life friends.

I am in love, I am obsessed with the net, in all of its wonder. I have nightmares of my modem being stolen, or of my DSL cable being mysteriously cut. There will be a day in the future when it will be possible to go phsically inside the internet, and I will look down from Heaven - or up from Hell - with envious eyes.

Yes. In the real world I am indeed pathetic.

But not in here.

"Not much of an update."

Time for a real update.

I bought myself a DVD yesterday as planned. I took money out, walked all the way up to HMV and into the tiny anime section. Seriously, it only had three or four columns.

Anyway.

I looked at the obvious ones I wanted first, like Cowboy Bebop, Ghost in the Shell: Stand alone Complex, Vampire Hunter D and Hellsing. But I decided to go for something a little more... random.

I closed my eyes and span around a few times. Then, making sure I was in front of the anime section, I stuck my hand out and started fumbling for a random DVD. I even knocked a few over in my attempt to get one.

I finally grabbed a box and pulled it from the stall. I opened my eyes and saw that I had picked up R.O.D: Read Or Die. I had seen a trailer for it on another DVD and it did look pretty decent, so I bought it.

I missed my usual train so I had to jump on the one after it so I was late home.

I didn't watch my DVD seeing as Chris was hogging the tv to watch Stargate SG1. I mean, it's a decent programme, but there's only so much you can take before your head explodes.

Yeah. Not much of an update.

I might be getting my laptop this weekend.

My mum says that if I clear out my room thoroughly, like throw out old stuff and stuff that's under my bed, then she might get me one for this weekend. Though I'm not sure what type she'll get. All she knows is that I want a DVD re-writer and I want it to play games.

Hmm.

"Here's my message to feminists: Shut the fuck up."

I believe that I'm due for a rant.

I haven't had one in a good long while, so before I give you my usual update of the mind-numbing boringness that is my life, I'm going to rant my socks off.

Today's topic: Girls.

Yes people, I am going to go with the ultimate cliché and talk about something that some blogs are completely devoted to. Although those blogs are complete crap I hope that mine is... better.

Disclaimer: Nothing in particular has brought this on. I was merely sitting on the train this morning thinking about things.

Take a deep breath people. I'm going in..

First off, I would like to thank girls. I am truly blessed to walk among such beauties that populate the world today. From the tall to the short, large to small, long haired to short haired, fair to dark, they are really something of wonder. With the a quick movement they can have a man under their spell in a matter of moments, a man who is powerless against her.

The scent can drive us mad. Bringing nostalgia from a single whiff in a crowded street.

The hair is so soft and sleek. Falling gently around their shoulders, or perhaps even done up in an intricate style that can only enhance her look.

The ass and breasts I need not mention, for they speak for themselves.

And those eyes. Those fucking beautiful eyes. Even though I wish for them to always be upon me, I also have flitting desires for them to look away for fear that I would melt infront of their glorious gaze.

It is at this point that I once again stress that this is not about one particular person, but of all girls in general.

Us men, we worship them. Every inch, every millimeter, every fucking cell is loved by us.

And now, I move onto the real reason of my rant.

We love them. We would do anything to please them. So why, why on earth, do they have to mind fuck us?

Seriously!

I have met more than my fair share of love-lorned guys out there. Hell, I've been one of them. So I want to ask the girls, why do they do it? I read a blog of a really fantastic guy, he's witty, smart and... well he's just a great guy. And up until a month ago he had a wonderful girlfriend who he adored.

For three out of the four year relationship she had with him, she was cheating on him. She didn't want to tell him incase it would hurt his feelings. Of course, he wasn't hurt at all when he caught them in bed.

His blog went from the daily tales of a carefree guy to the weekly gloom of a broken spirit. Now-a-days I'm lucky if he posts at all.

The point of the story is that he was a nice guy. A nice fucking guy. Do you know how rare a breed we are? And I always hear all about how girls prefer the nice guys over the other ones.

Well I see no fucking evidence of that.

But what I really really hate, infact almost despise, is how girls lead guys on.

Jesus. They make us believe that we have a chance. Even if it's the tiniest, most remote chance in the universe we still believe in it. That one day they might turn around and acknowledge us, or admit something to us, or anything at all! But no, they just continue on wrecking mindless havoc wherever they go.

One must get used to things never happening.

That's part two of my rant finished.

Now, onto feminists.

Okay, don't start screaming at me and calling me a woman hater or anything like that, just hear me out.

Here's my message to feminists: Shut the fuck up.

Listen, I'm all for women's rights and crap like that. Yeah, women should vote, they should get equal pay, they should be able to have most of the rights a guy has. That's right, I said most.

Believe me, you really wouldn't want all of them.

For instance, did you know that a when a male is sentenced to life he has to spend more time in prison than a female? Or that when you join the police males have to carry a hundred pounds worth of weights while women only carry fifty?

Didn't think so.

I mean, I suppose we do owe them slightly seeing as we have the Free Masons and all. But it still pisses me off.

The rant ends here people. I had more stuff to say but I've forgotten it all since this took so long to write...

You know what? Just ignore this post. Twould be easier on everyone.

italics!"">"Look at all the italics!"

Thursday, August 04, 2005
To buy a DVD or not to buy a DVD?

That is the question.

Now, I need an answer! If I buy one, then I'll have another DVD to watch, but less money. If I don't buy one then I don't have another DVD to watch, but more money. But if I do get a DVD then I have another source of entertainment. But if I don't buy the DVD then I'll have more money.

Hmm.

What would you spend the money on Joe?

Food. Going out with friends... Maybe put it towards a game when I get my laptop.

Hmm.

Screw it , I'm getting a DVD!

Now, what should I get? I wouldn't mind increasing my anime collection with something fresh. But I also wouldn't mind getting the Constantine DVD. That was actually a really good film. Maybe I should just wait until Sin City comes out, 'cause I'd really like to get that film. Or maybe Hero... Or House of Flying Daggers...

Too many damned films!

Maybe I should just get anime. Sure, that works out. But do I want to get an anime film, or the first part in the series? Maybe a film. I could get Vampire Hunter D, or Blood: The last Vampire. And End of Evangelion looks really good too...

Look at all the italics!

I'm going to leave now, because this makes no sense what so ever.

DAMN YOU IRN BRU!!!

"What is it with people staring at me on trains?"

Apologies for yesterdays post.

I was trying out a new style. Some of it worked while some of it didn't. I'll probably be working on it over the next two days.

And I did something bad...

Well I went into Forbidden Planet as planned and immediately headed up the back to the Manga section. My aim was to buy the first volume of Trigun so I wouldn't be so lost when reading Trigun:Maximum. But the only copy they had was in hard back so I went back to the front of the store to think it over while looking at the DVDs. I was going to buy something I had never seen before to try it out and see if I liked it. But that plan went right out the window when I saw it...

Fullmetal Alchemist Volume One.

Full-fucking-metal Alchemist Volume One.

I grabbed it and headed back to the store and grabbed Trigun volume one. And quickly made my way up to the counter before I changed my mind. I checked the price of Trigun and saw that someone had taken the original sticker off and replaced it with one of a smaller price. It should have been thirteen pounds but the sticker said ten. I reached the counter and handed them over.

"Ok... Hey Mark! Can you get me.... Fullmetal Alchemist Volume One from the back please? Thanks. And... Trigun? Good choice..."

"Actually, on the book it looks as though someone has changed the sticker for another one."

"Yeah, I see what you mean. Let me just check." She looked through a large black book for a few seconds before saying, "Yeah, you're right. It should only be seven pounds."

"Uh... Ok then."

"That'll be twenty-seven pounds. And here's the DVD now." She said as she put it in the bag.

"Uhh, thanks then." Stay calm stay calm. "See ya."

"Bye!"

Walk out the door, walk out the door. Ok, now walk quickly down the street. Quicker fool! Just incase she realises her mistake!

And I was home free.

Well, almost.

The train was packed. Seriously, I was shoulder to shoulder with three or four people in the corridor leading to the doors. Well, I say shoulder to shoulder, but I mean shoulder to head since they were all short. I put on my music and day dreamed for most of the journey, I wanted to start reading Trigun but it was too cramped to get a book from. Plus, I would've gotten funnier looks than I got even without the book. Three or four of the short women kept looking at me before glancing away when I looked in their general direction.

What is it with people staring at me on trains?

A whole crowd of people got off a Clarkston, and I was standing there in the corridor when I ran into DanielMcK. He almost walked into me before I said hi. We talked about school, work (He's a dentists assistant), results and bands. Apparently he's going to a huge Emo gig sometime in the next few weeks.

"I don't know why I'm going to be honest. I need a good cry really, and since there'll be a whole load of people doing it then they won't notice!" He said to me, laughing as he did.

He got off at the next stop, and I went home.

I watched my Fullmetal Alchemist DVD as soon as I got in. I love it so much. The surround sound really adds to the effect, and the English (It's actually strong American accents to be honest... Even though it's sort of set in the UK.) isn't too bad either. Some of it even makes a little more sense than the Japanese translation.

And Edward Elric still kicks ass.

After I finished it Chris came home with his friends. Since mum was out they were staying for a while and getting drunk while stuffing their faces with pizza. I stole the x-box and hijacked Chris' room for the night so I could play San Andreas. I didn't do much on it to be honest, one mission before playing about on Chris' file and crashing helicopters.

Halfway through my helicopter rampage I got a call from Maddy asking if her and LauraMcG could come round for a while. They were delivering Jeff's newspapers for her and had gotten caught in the rain and needed somewhere to dry off and warm up. And since I was closest and my mum was out, I let them come round mine.

We basically sat in my room and talked for a while. Maddy had gotten her hair all done up and her fringe was supposed to be blue, but the rain had kinda messed it up and I couldn't see it all too well.

"But you'll be able to see it in all it's glory if you come to the Cathouse on saturday."

"I don't really want to go to the Cathouse..."

"Come on! You can meet hot girls there! And get off with them too!"

I made a neutral sound.

"Please! It would be so much fun!"

"I'll think about it."

"That's as good as a yes!"

By the time they left I had to go to bed so I wouldn't be too tired for the next day. But I read a few pages of Trigun before I went to sleep. Twas good.

I couldn't get to sleep for a while. They were playing the movie so loud that I could even hear individual words through the floor. But I eventually dropped off into a fitful sleep.

I had slept in, but not by much so it wasn't too bad. I raced around trying to get out in time. I even drank a glass of coke at half six in the morning to try and wake me up. Mission acomplished I say. I even decided to put my hair in a different style today. It's no longer the emo style, but it's more of a... something style. I dunno. I've got a mid-parting with each side of my fringe going over each eye. It isn't bad I suppose, but I'm still undecided about it.

And that's my story up until now. I decided to write up a post really early seeing as I have hardly any other work to do. I'm thinking of buying another DVD after work today. Maybe even a CD. I don't know yet. I need a top up for my phone seeing how thta ran out yesterday. I spent most of sunday night downloading ringtones and videos to use up my credit before it got cancelled. I even got the Pioneers video byt Bloc Party.

Tis quite good.

I'm off now until I find something better to talk about.

Until next time, true believers!

"Hell, maybe both!"

Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Don't you just hate it when some one asks you to volunteer for something?

I mean, it's fine and dandy if you're in a group of people, because there is bound to be at least one person who doesn't want to do it either. But I really hate it when some one comes up to me personally and asks me to "volunteer" for something. Especially my supervisor.

I found myself in a predicament yesterday. She walked up to my desk and asked if I was busy or not. "Not really." I replied while secretly praying that I hadn't done anything wrong. Again.

"Well, I'm looking for some volunteers to help us out in accounts. It'll only take around two hours."

Volunteer my ass, she's telling me to do it.

"What will I have to do?"

"Well, stuffing envelopes. I can't put it more glamorously than that."

I frantically searched my brain for a reason not to accept, but I couldn't think of one in the time frame.

"Sure, why not?" I said with what I hoped was a smile on my face and not a grimace.

She walked off and I let out a quick sigh as she gathered her two other captives. Both were girls, one who is quite attractive and who's name I know, the other who I don't know but I'm pretty sure she hates me.

I got up and followed them down to the other end of the office to the accounts section. There we were met by a short man with a goatee who gave me a pile of paper about a foot high and sent me back to my desk. After retrieving the envelopes from the cupboard, I began.

Three hours of mind numbing envelope stuffing later, I sat back and breathed a sigh of relief. I had finished. All four hundred and thirty two (Give or take) envelopes stuffed and ready for transport. I looked at the three foot pile on my desk and thought;

"What the hell do I do with them now?"

I ignored them, had lunch, then continued on with the ever mounting work that I had left from the morning. I soon got an email requesting that I contact a solicitor to order a new plan for a property. I was happy to oblidge, and I opened the file and looked at the contact details for the company. I then opened up outlook and emailed the guy who requested it in the first place.

"There's no email address, so how should I contact them for the plan?"

"There should be a phone number you could call. I would do it myself but I'm swamped with work at the moment."

I read the email, and quickly poke my head up and look over to where he was sitting. He was laid back, one hand scratching his head, the other hand holding a book infront of his squinted eyes. Fucking swamped my fucking ass.

After ten or twenty minutes of courage building I picked up the phone and dialed the number. After a few minutes of ringing a small, quiet voice answered on the other end. I then rambled off the rehearsed speech that I had concocted. After about three or four minutes of talking non-stop she replied, "I'll just put you through, hang on a second."

I slapped my forehead in stupidity. I had rambled off to the fucking secretary.

The actual conversation didn't go too well either. She kept asking if there was an order number, and I kept saying that I was looking at a database and not an application form. After about five minutes she found the property and we sorted everything out in the end. But I felt so embarrassed about it, so I buried myself in the - still growing - pile of work I had.

The envelopes were still on my desk and I only had an hour to go before I left. So I gathered more courage and headed over to see the short, goateed man. I walked up to his desk and said;

"Look, I have a tonne of envelopes on the desk and no idea what to do with them."

He laughed. "How many have you got?"

"Around three hundred are DX and just over a hundred are Royal Mail."

"The DX go straight into the white sack by the mail room over there. " He pointed, "But you're going to have to stamp the royal mail ones."

"And how do I do that?"

He laughed again and led me over to this odd machine. I had to weigh the envelopes and put them through the machine so they could get stamped. He showed me once and then he left me to it. I went through the pile in record time and put them into the mail bag to be posted before returning back to my desk. About twenty minutes later my supervisor came to me.

"Hi there-"

Fuck, what did I do now?

"-I need you to help me out again. All of these envelopes," she said as she put a large pile of envelopes on my desk, "need restamping. Someone has obviously made and error on the machine because the stamps shouldn't say 'invalid' on them."

I looked at the pile of envelopes and had to stifle a gasp. They were my envelopes. All one hundred plus of my envelopes had the invalid stamp on them.

"It's a good thing I had a letter to post, otherwise these would have been sent back to us. So, could you restamp them for me?" She said with a smile.

"Yeah... Sure."

She showed me how to use it again, I had forgotten to say whether it was first or second class, so it came out invalid. Since the machine couldn't print over it's own ink I had cover the invalid marks with a label and run it through again.

Fifteen minutes later I had finished labeling them and I was moving on to restamping them. When I was in the midst of labeling them someone came up who wanted to use the machine.

"Can I use this?"

"Sure, I won't be done for a while."

"What are you doing?"

"Labeling all these envelopes."

"Oh, you invalid tyrant. How many do you have to do?"

"Over a hundred."

She winced.

"I know, and I'm supposed to leave in..." I check my watch, "ten minutes."

"Ouch. I suppose it'll teach you not to day dream during work. You were day dreaming right?"

"I was half a world away," I lied. I didn't want her to know it was incompetence that made me mess up this time.

"I'm done now. Good luck with that."

"Thanks."

I sped through the stamping, making sure that I got it all right while still going really fast. I finished in the nick of time, dumped them into the mail bag and ran out of the office before my supervisor thought up more stuff to keep me in on.

I was late to the train station, so I missed the early train, but I got on the express train fine and found a seat up the front. It was really warm so I opened the windows and took off my jacket. My cd player happened to be in one of its moods so I couldn't listen to music, so I took out my writing pad, wrote the title "Bunnies, red roses" and began to write.

Someone shook me and I awoke from my sleep. He said that I was at the last stop so I had to get off. Rubbing my eyes, I realised that I had fallen asleep sometime in the journey. My pen was still in my hand as was my pad still on my lap. The top of the pad had a few lines of text before a long squiggly line scored through it. Obviously where I went to sleep.

I stumbled off the train and headed home.

Mum got a phone call at about half eight. The man who's fixing our computer had some news for us. She stayed on the phone for about ten minutes before talking to me and Chris with a somber face.

"Boys," she began, "The computer is dead."

"What?"

"It was the battery, it's just ran down."

"But... How?"

"Old age."

She went on to tell us the good news. Apparently she can get us brand new high-spec laptops off of the technical guy for a really cheap price. She even says that he might be able to transfer a few of the more... precious data from the old pc. For example, my pictures and Fullmetal Alchemist.

So it's all good.

Also I heard mum talking on the phone with my aunt. She was telling her what was happening with the pc when I tuned in.

"It doesn't matter anyway since the boys are buying laptops for themselves. And their dad is going to pay for half of them, meaning I have to match up the other half. So really we're paying for their laptops... I suppose it's alright seeing how we're getting them cheap and all."

"We don't have to pay for our laptops?"

"Ah crap he heard me."

So it's all really good.

Not much has happened today, but since discovering that I don't need to keep so much money away for my laptop I can spend a lot more. So after work I'm heading down to Forbidden Planet and I'm either going to buy Manga or an anime DVD.

Hell, maybe both!

"Bullshit."

Monday, August 01, 2005
Where was I?

Ah yes, my desire for a new hairstyle.

I think I need to change my look. I mean don't get me wrong, if it was legal I'd have sex with my hair, but I just want to change. I don't want people to think I'm some teary eyed emo-kid who shouldn't be bothered with. I mean, look at Frost, the first things he said to me (After he realised who I was) were stuff to do about looking like an emo.

I was thinking instead of a side part thing I'd have a mid-part or something, so I have two parts of my fringe going down my face.
Oh I don't know. Now that I write it down I'm feeling less and less sure about letting go of my sexy emo hair.

But I'm not emooooooooooo!

In other news, I've just began my story for LauraMcG. Some people neglected to tell me that it was her birthday on Friday, so to make it up to her I'm making a story based on three words I asked her to say.
"Bunnies red roses."
That should be pretty easy.
I asked her in the car on the way home, andafter she got out Maddy asked what I meant by it, so I told her. Then she wanted a story too, so I asked her to give me three words.
"Silly fat man."
Maddy's will take longer to write, seeing as I need to get LauraMcG's as soon as possible to make up for her birthday. This is going to be fun...

I've only got fifteen minutes to go, and I haven't bought anything!
I have the biggest craving for coke, but I have three bnottles of that at home so I'll fufill my desire there. But I'm so proud of myself that I haven't bought anything. Looks like my budget thingy is on track and stuff.
Yippeee!

...

Hmmm...

I've just logged into my old hotmail account for the first time in about a month. I have over three hundred new emails... Which totals to over seven hundred with the amount of emails I already had. Thank God I've abandoned it.
Yes people, as of a last month I gave up my role as battyratty, and became something else. Something more powerful, something feared, something reveared by the masses!
But I'm not going to say what it is. You know, the shock could kill you and stuff.

Anyway, my email is available on the right there, See the link that says "Mail Me"? Yeah, that's the one. My MSN one is still a secret unless you're someone I really like talking to. Or someone who added me after someone else told you about me. Or something.

But three hundred?
Man, that's a lot of spam, but a chunk is from real people too. Ah well, I still have well over fifteen megabytes of memory left, so I'm fine. Not that I use it anyway.

Jen sent me an text on friday. This does link in with the email story, so bear with me. I was in the Key with Maddy sitting on top of me while on MSN when I read the message. I read it then put it away so Maddy wouldn't get curious and see what it was.
It was in response to what I said a few posts back, about why should I be friends with them if they didn't like me. She replied, saying that they never not-liked me. That they were just having a laugh.
There was also an email regarding the post where it was sort of like a quiz (Here it is). Jen emailed me asking if she was this number and if Charlotte was that number. She also asked me when she said that she hated me. And it got me thinking, you know, about how we were friends and what it was like and stuff. And maybe they were good friends after all. And then one word came to mind that summed it all up.

Bullshit.

"And you're... you're... EMO-FIED!"

I've had an interesting weekend.

Well I think I have, I'm not too sure if I can remember all of it.

We'll start at the beginning.
I decided to leave work a few minutes earlier to see if I could catch the train that leaves a few minutes before I reach the station. So I left early and sort of half ran and half jogged to the station. I arrived there on time and found myself a seat just as it was pulling out of the station. I was sitting across from this old lady who kept giving me looks every time I looked out the window.
My CD player was still in a bad mood and I couldn't be bothered drawing or writing so I just stared out the window for the entire journey. Twas very bleak and not too exciting to be honest.
So I ran home, charged my CD player, had dinner and got ready to go out in record time. I was so fast it was unbelievable. Though to be honest I did only finish my fish when I was walking out the door. And my jacket was reeking of some sort of sour cream.
It was the same jacket I had used during the cream fight we had at the beginning of summer, and even though I've washed it several times It still hasn't come out. So before I left I overdosed the Febreeze a little bit and it was mostly scentless, but I missed the arms and the smell was quite sickening.
But it didn't worry me that much seeing as I really needed it to keep my hair straight in the drizzle. Which is one of the reasons that I'm thinking of changing my hairstyle. But more on that later.

So we went up the the Key and had a lot of fun. I was hyper for most of the night, so the fun was amplified by tenfold. We spent a good chunk of the time on the computers with Maddy sitting on my lap while she talked to people through my MSN. She was talking to Ollie and every once in a while I would cut in and write "I want to sex you" and "Oh yes, yes YESSSSSSSSS". Ollie's reaction was really funny.
But she got her own back when she started doing the same to the people that I talked to. For example, Laura and Daniel got a nice dose of Maddy's madness through MSN.
Not much else after that. We just hung around the booths and talked for ages. I think we had a conversation about some guy jacking off a dog so he could have its cum as icing on a cake he wanted to eat. Sounds delicious.
We also did the whole knee squeezing thing. When someone squeezes a part of your knee, it's supposed to feel like one sixth of an orgasm. I don't know what it's like since it didn't work on me, but MAddy went crazy when I did it to her. She really hated it. So me and another guy called Gary sat on either side of her and on the count of three we squeezed her knees.
She instantly went into a fury and started scratching and slahing anything she could. I now have five or six red cuts healing up and down my arm.
And at one point Maddy, LauraMcG and Nadia were in the toilet doing their make-up or something, so I was forced to wait outside the door for them to come out. When I was waiting there a lady who volunteers at the Key came up and said;
"You know, you don't look too good standing by yourself infront of the ladies toilets."
So I let out a long sigh and said, "I know, but it's the only way I get to meet girls."
She was laughing so hard she had to go into the toilets herself.

Nothing much else to comment about on Friday.


Saturday was a lot of fun though.
I got up nice and late when no one else was in the house and got myself ready. The milk was out of date so I couldn't have cereal, instead I had chocolate. Nice healthy chocolate.
I got myself dressed (All by myself, whooo!) and proceeded to do my hair. And then something quite not-nice happened. I was straightening my hair (Yes newcomers, I am a guy who straightens his hair) and There's this part behind my ear that really annoys me since it's hard to get. But that mornign I wasn't paying attention and I clamped down on the piece of hair...
"AHFUCKITYOUSONUVABITCHCOCKSUCKER!"
I had clamped down on my ear instead. That's two hundred degrees celcius inflicted onto my ear in thetime fame of three seconds. Luckily the pain wore off in a few minutes and my ear only looked slightly red. And besides, I was going to be wearing earphones for a chunk of the day, so it didn't bother me.
So I wlaked up to the Stewart Hotel and trudged up the stairs to the tournament. As I reached the door, Frost was coming out. He looked at me and said, "Hey. Registration's just through there. First timers get in for seven pounds."
"Long time no see."
He stopped and squinted at me.
"Holy fuck it's you. And you're... you're... EMO-FIED!"
"Thanks man. How've things been?"
"Yeah, they're great. We got about fifty or so people in at the moment. Fletch and Paul are just through there by the way."
So I walked through to the reception room to find Fletch and Paul playing on a giant arcade machine. They were playing two player of the original Golden Axe game. I tapped them on the shoulder and they turned around and stared at me.
"Jesus man, when did you grow your hair?"
"When the hell was it black?"
"Since when are you emo?"
"When the hell was it black"
"Ok then, what are your favourite bands?"
"WHEN THE HELL WAS IT BLACK?"
I explained to them how I wasn't emo, how I just liked the hair and I usually wear darks anyway, and that it's always been black.
When I was saying it Fletch kept lifting up my fringe and moving it about while saying under his breath "Dear god it's real."

I spent most of the day on the arcade machine to be honest. It has some real gems on it and they're just so much fun to play. Retro games are pretty good to be honest.
I didn't spend too much either. A tenner to get in and I only spent three pounds on food and drink for the nine hours I was there.We went down to Farmfoods pretty early in the day and I got myself a two litre bottle of Irn-Bru and a Toblerone for a pound each. Twas gooood. And the other pound was just for two sweets that I bought before I left.
I also looked at Frost's laptop, and it's just a giant brick. So I wasn't interested at all...
I also met Sara at the tournament too. She's Brittneys best friend and I had heard a lot about her but I never met her. She came in with William and Fubu and she's dead nice. Quite nice looking too to be honest.

I left at around half eight seeing how I was knackered and some little guy was hogging the arcade machine. So I left ("Bye emo-kid!") and walked home.
When I got home I sat there reading the Edge magazine that came through the door that morning. After a while I got out my mobile phone and started to record myself. I was recording what my voice sounded like, what my impressions sounded like and what my singing sounded like.
It sounded like George had gotten stuck in the bin and was trying to get out. And I would know that, seeing as how I once put George in the bin.
You know, for funsies.

After that I started watching the Fifth Element while drawing a new hairstyle for myself. Some of them weren't bad I suppose, and some of them were pretty good on paper, but didn't work out in real life, and some of them were just plain funny.
I'll post pictures of them when I get my computer back and running.
After that mum came home and while she was looking at my burn she picked a bit and it started hurting like crazy and weeping. Turns out I had a blister on my ear and she had just burst it, so it should get better now.
Then I wne to bed.


Sunday wasn't bad. I did my ironing and cleaned my room before going to B&Q with mum.
It wasn't a bad day I suppose. Not too amazing either.


And today all I've been doing is sleeping, doing some work and typing this. I haven't even bought a can of coke yet! I'm so proud of myself that I'm sticking to my plan. But yeah, that's my weekend in a nutshell.


I would go on to talk about other stuff right now, but the time has just flown by and it's already lunch.
I'll be right back in an hour or so...